Open Secrets

Thank you

2010-08-07T02:44:00.000-07:00

For being such attentive listeners.
However, I think this blog has run its course.
I will no longer be updating regularly, however, feel free to stop on by, as I still may post a few random things here and there.
So, in short, don't expect regular posts from me anymore, but there is no need to delete me from your subscriptions.

I may surprise you every now and then.

Stay well. <3

Lionheart

2010-06-27T02:01:00.000-07:00

It's so confusing
It's dark and I'm losing
Sight of what is right
I want you to let me be
Please just let go of me
What I say I can't repeat
This constant yearning
It's consuming and burning
There's nothing you can do
And still you take me

Oh you are
My lionheart
Lionheart
Fierce protector, deny human nature
Oh you are
My lionheart

Like a sliver of a splinter
You get under my skin
The more I try to rid you
The more pain I inflict
I can't say with much conviction
I can see the light of day
Yet you drag me to the surface
Help me breathe and get away

Oh you are
My lionheart
Lionheart
Fierce protector, deny human nature
Oh you are
My lionheart

Well said.

2010-06-12T02:56:00.001-07:00

"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils" - Louis Hector Berlioz

"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places." - Henny Youngman

Starcrossed.

2010-06-12T02:46:00.001-07:00

If I could, I would paint the world over
So you could see the billion shades of gray
The lines you see are all an illusion
Drawn to keep your mind under lock and key

One day this will all come crashing down
Stars from the heavens spilling to make you see
The hot brands cause a pain that scars
And they spell your name, the blame, the shame

If we were all meant to be the same
Then why are we all so differently beautiful
Woe falls on those who take but do not give
Starcrossed are those born under this sky

One day this will all come crashing down
Stars from the heavens spilling to make you see
The hot brands cause a pain that scars
And they spell your name, the blame, the shame

Oh my.

2010-05-28T00:54:00.000-07:00

Sorry about the ridiculously long hiatus.
Being a full time student and working two jobs as well as having a boyfriend have currently been eating all of my time.

But summer is HEREEE!
I'm still working a bunch, but I have considerably more time now.

I promise to have a quality blog up soon instead of a bunch of rubbish I could write right now.. Because honestly, right now I'm pretty pissed at my boyfriend right now... And it's not even over a GOOD reason.

I'm just too stubborn for my own good.

But yes.

A nice blog when I'm less pissed fer sure.

:]

Secret

2010-05-03T23:52:00.001-07:00

The sunshine dances in your hair
I feel beautiful as I linger in your stare
Captivated as a moth drawn to a flame
Wildly more enchanted the more we get tangled in this game

Kiss me
I taste your mouth locked behind my lips
Sweetly
I smile behind crossed fingertips
You said you’d love me forever
If from afar and silently
I’ll keep your secret safe with me

The honey in your skin too sweet to waste
I became drunk in my unconscious haste
Golden dreams we wished on tainted stars
While your promises and wishes never would be ours

And I jumped feet first into the cold unknown
Never knowing that you never meant to follow
As roses full in bloom will wither in the sun
Disillusionment unravels us

Kiss me
I taste your mouth locked behind my lips
Sweetly
I smile behind crossed fingertips
You said you’d love me forever
If from afar and silently
I’ll keep your secret safe with me

But you went back (But you went back)
Back on me (Back on me)
If you had only said (If you had only said)
Your love wasn’t free

The price I paid was much too great
Left me with nothing but broken faith
If we get the love we think we deserve
How is it I’m the one who’s hurt?

Kiss me
I taste your mouth locked behind my lips
It burns me
How you smile behind crossed fingertips
You said you’d love me forever
This time you are naïve if you think
I’ll keep your secret safe with me

Prayer

2010-05-01T02:28:00.001-07:00

My voice resounds like broken bells in domes of churches
It would shatter glass if someone heard it
I kneel, I bleed, my repentance
For sins unsaid, with lowered head, I wait for forgiveness

Leave my every leaf unturned
Let me rise to fall again
It’s what I deserve in the end
If I refuse to fight
Will that suffice, my atonement?
Save me before sin begins, before it wins
Amen

It begins with a joy, pure and new
Swiftly the apple starts to shine
Before long the hole in your chest starts to ache
As the serpent makes its way inside
You find you have nowhere to hide

A sudden spark springs to sleeping psychosis
Buried beneath what once sufficed
Desperation drags the darkness to the surface
To shatter mirrors, mirror matters ever madder

Leave my every leaf unturned
Let me rise to fall again
It’s what I deserve in the end
If I refuse to fight
Will that suffice, my atonement?
Save me before sin begins, before it wins
Amen

Can you help me?
Confession never felt like this
Not quite painful and not full of bliss
Can you save me?
Save me from what I’m to become
Before what’s left of me is none

This is my last prayer
One final plea left to exchange
All I have to give is yours if you forgive
Me, If I refuse to fight
Will that suffice?
Will that suffice?
Amen

(Yeah, these are lyrics/a poem. Make of it what you will.)

I'M SORRY

2010-04-27T23:19:00.000-07:00

for the lack of posts.
Like the majority of the world, I have been super busy (which is everyone's lame-ass excuse. I'm aware of that).

This week has been/is super crazy packed with tests and projects in all my classes, a gigantic load of work at my one job, while still holding obligations to my second job.
I have been scratching around for time everywhere I can.

Hang tight, my 11 dedicated followers!
There will be something to feast your eyes on this coming weekend, most likely.

Stay sane.
I'll try my best :]

On being an atheist.

2010-04-12T23:16:00.000-07:00

You know, I've read many of these blogs about religion: how some people found it, how others lost it, how some people are fed up with it being "shoved down their throats." But really, I've never really read one that I could identify with.

I wasn't raised in an extremely religious home. My mother is a devout Catholic, even though she stopped attending church at 16. I can still see her with prayer cards in her wallet, and before bed when I was little, I remember her blessing me with "God bless you, God protect you, amen." My dad, on the other hand, is an odd creature. I have no idea what he believes in, if anything. All I know is that he has a small little gem statue of Buddha (he's Cambodian) that he keeps in a little glass bell jar type of thing. We are never supposed to touch it.

I used to keep it in my room for a long time, and you know what? I always felt safe. I don't know what it was, but I bet if I put it in my room again, I wouldn't be so freaked out if I heard things going bump in the night. This doesn't necessarily indicate that I am a Buddhist by any means -- I'm not -- but, still, one has to wonder...

Anyway, I was a "Christian" growing up. Why the quotes? I was baptized and all. I went to a Christian preschool when I was little. I even prayed to a god I thought existed all the way up to my sophomore or junior year in high school. I just sort of... stopped. I'm not really sure what it was that led me to "lose faith" so to speak. Really, I think it's sort of like losing your faith in Santa Claus, or the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. I just grew out of it. It didn't suit me or the person I became.

I'm not going to say I lost my religion, though. I never really had a religion to begin with. I never went to church and I never knew what Easter was all about. I always thought it was all bunnies and sugary peeps. And, honestly, I didn't lose anything. In fact, I gained something by becoming an atheist. Instead of praying to the Old White Guy in the Sky, I put all my faith in myself. You know the old saying that says something like "God never puts you in a situation you can't handle?" (I just googled it. It's actually 1 Corinthians 10:13: "God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength but with your testing he will... etc") Well, I kind of believe that where there is a will, there is a way. Instead of looking up to to something, I try and make myself stronger from within. I don't pray when I know I won't get an answer. I talk to people close to me. I figure things out.

Well, you may be wondering, what do you think happens to you when you die? Haha, um... nothing? Look, I don't know what happens. No one knows. But to think that there's a place where all souls meet and party or that there is an eternally bad place down under makes me laugh. No, no, don't get all pissy: I'm not knocking your beliefs, I promise. But really, the whole bible version of life and the afterlife and what not... I believe it's a story, something to make you piss your pants in fear and be a good little boy or girl. It's a story to make you feel good about yourself. Basically, it's a Mother Goose kind of tale, full of morals and hope. It's a good thing, really. But if there is one thing that confuses me, it's that people take this story literally. There are people that don't believe in evolution and think that if you masturbate you're going to end up in a hell because it's a sin. Well, jeez. If that's the case, then science is all wrong and we're all going to end up in Hell. I'm not preaching. These are my beliefs. I'm just trying to give you my perspective. Calm down.

But I am a girl of science. I'm a huge Darwin fan, and I'm looking into majoring in anthropology or neurology and going to med school. So, really, there's a conflict of interest. I can't believe in one while believing in the other, no matter how many people can. It's just not in me.

There are those that may think that I don't believe in a god because I don't have proof. Well, I don't have proof that there are aliens, but I do believe that extraterrestrial life exists, yes ma'am. The universe is just too big for that to be impossible. But as for the Old White Guy in the Sky? I'm sorry.

Now, don't go thinking I'm knocking all religions and religious people, or even spiritual people. Not even! I have religious friends and a religious family. I don't think they're stupid or ignorant, and I'm not going to waste my time trying to convert anyone. We all have different beliefs, and I can respect that -- to an extent of course. If you come knocking at my door at 9 AM trying to make me go to church, I will not be a happy camper. If you come to my anthropology class and attempt to tell my professor that Darwin was wrong and quote the scriptures (like someone has in his class before), I will think you're a tool. There's a time and a place for everything. If you want to debate something, that's fine, but do it somewhere appropriate. I don't take kindly to people shoving religion down anyone's throat, even if it's an atheist getting in the face of a Catholic. It's uncalled for and nasty. I don't go around trying to make you eat broccoli; don't go around trying to make me eat up your religious (or non-religious) spiel. Right? Can I get an amen? :-)

But what does irk me a bit is when people get wind of someone being an atheist and then become haters. Really? C'mon now. It's not like we're gothed-up, anarchy-loving, baby-killing bastards with no morals. We just put our faith in something else. Or maybe we just take life as it comes. To each his own, yes?

Some days I believe in myself. On my bad days, I don't, and I'll just (in the words of the Dodge commercial) grab life by the horns. But I didn't lose my religion. I gained perspective, and, just maybe, a little bit of strength by doing so too.

Oh and PS: Feel free to leave your thoughts. I'm not afraid of criticism :]

Knees.

2010-04-10T05:00:00.000-07:00

Your kiss can bring me to my knees.
The knees you pushed me down upon yesterday, with your words.
The ones I stayed down on, scraped and bruising, hurting elsewhere.
The same knees you cleaned off with I'm Sorrys and tenderness.
And then you kiss me, and I'm down on them again.

First country song of mine?

2010-04-04T02:32:00.000-07:00

This girl's four-foot-seven and she's all alone
Brought a knife to a gunfight but she still feels strong
Got the head of a bull and dancer's feet
There ain't nothing that this girl can't beat

Quick draw, know-it-all, she's in town
You're S.O.L, your army can't be found
Hope you got nine lives, she's got one
Honey, let's dance, let's have some fun

At first glance, she's a rough sight
But in the sack she's dynamite
Under the grit, she's a ten and a half
Once you had this chick there ain't no goin' back

Quick draw, know-it-all, she's in town
You're S.O.L, your army can't be found
Hope you got nine lives, she's got one
Honey, let's dance, let's have some fun

When you're free from falling
There's nothing you can't face
And to her, love ain't callin'
That's always been her savin' grace
Yet in this great world alone it's a lonely place

Quick draw, know-it-all, she's in town
You're S.O.L, your army can't be found
She's taking a hostage tonight, hope you're game
Tomorrow the world won't be quite the same

First post in months! Sorry!

2010-03-29T23:27:00.001-07:00

I'm not fun, or crazy. I'm not silly or funny or goofy or really comfortable enough in my own skin to be crazy.

I'm self-conscious and reserved. I'm calm. I don't like making a scene or a ruckus, or attracting lots of attention to myself. That doesn't mean I don't know how to have fun; my form of fun is just different.

I'm peaceful. I like to talk. I like to play games. But, I don't think I fit into the crowd of people my age. Old friends have turned into people that I no longer click with, you know? I hang out with my boyfriend, and that's it. That's usually fine with me, but sometimes I want some friends too. I haven't found any that I feel I click with. Perhaps that's because I'm trying to find one, I don't know.

But, it does seem at times like I'm the only one that feels like this, that doesn't wanna be part of a group of crazy, loud, free-for-all people... even if they are just having fun. That's not me.

P.S. Sorry for the lack of posts lately, I've been pretty busy. :[ But I turned 20 yesterday :]]]

Free Spirit?

2010-01-24T03:23:00.000-08:00

As always, it's freaking 3:23 AM and I should really be sleeping by now, but instead I'm sitting up in bed, typing away in the dark. You know you're jealous.

My question of the day: what does it mean to be a "free spirit?"

I've been thinking of the answer to that since yesterday when I went out to enjoy one of the rare rainy days in southern California with my dogs. Most people I know out here hate the rain -- duh, they're Californians -- but I embrace it. I collared up and tossed both of my 80+ lb Weimaraners in the backseat of my little Honda Civic and, with my CD player blasting The Used, drove out to Belmont Shore to walk in the rain and window shop. On the way back the rain stopped and I put all my windows down, put the volume up on my music, and enjoyed the wind in my hair and seeing my breath in the cold air inside my car as I sang along to the songs. In that moment, I thought "I'm a free spirit." I felt like one. But then I thought what the hell does that mean? To me, it means doing something unconventional, what most people wouldn't do.. Not being constrained or weighed down by anything.. Really feeling free, whatever that means to you. For me, I always seem to feel that way when I'm driving in my car with the wind in my hair, either coming back from the beach or in the rain. I don't know why; I just do.

So, what does it mean to be a "free spirit?" What makes you feel like one? :-)

I fall in love with you again.

2010-01-17T01:43:00.000-08:00

source

Love, you make me happy
'Cause Darlin, you love me sweetly,
And I
I'll love you truly
'Cause Heaven only knows how long I'll have you.
xoxo

Late Resolutions!

2010-01-16T00:48:00.000-08:00

click image to source

Okay, so I was thinking about it for a while, and usually people make New Year's Resolutions at the very beginning of the new year, but whatever. I'm late haha. Here are mine:

1. Lose weight: I'm serious this time. I'm setting myself a goal. If I can lose at least 15 lbs within the next three months I shall allow myself to splurge on either an iPod case I've been pining away for the last few weeks or get a really nice designer accessory. (Yay for incentives!) So this ultimately means to cut back on eating out, no eating after dinnertime and no junk food. Welcome to Hell.

2. Break my habit of typing using shorthand or improper capitalization in my blog.

3. Get an A in my statistics class. Me + math = :-( I shall try to fix this.

4. Break my habit of going to bed past 2 am and waking up at 12:30 pm. :-/ I'll try to go for something decent. How about bed no later that 1 am, waking no later than 11 am? Is that still unreasonable?

5. DECIDE A MAJOR BY THE BEGINNING OF MAY (lest I be stuck in the pits of junior college forever!)

6. Spend at least 1 more day with my family per week and cherish it instead of loathe it.

7. Sing more, play more, record more :-D

Number 1 is definitely my highest priority.
The holidays have made me SO chubby :[

But, on the bright side, today I got news that I won Imogen's mascara giveaway! I really admire her and I'm a sucker for beauty gurus, so if you're like me, check her out :]

So, final question: what are your resolutions for 2010? Let me know! :-)

Down.

2010-01-13T21:19:00.001-08:00

I don't know why, but I'm just down in the dumps. I'm getting pissed over stuff for no reason... and really stupid stuff too.

It could just be that my female side is acting up, or because I quit a job that I really love today. It just wasn't worth it any more though. :[

I'm being vague and I'm rambling, but I can't be any clearer with people I know reading this. That's funny, isn't it? I can spill my whole heart out to a stranger, but not to friends or family. This probably means that I shouldn't be posting all this online, but it's ok. There's no incriminating evidence on here.

My wishes are:

1. To be older
2. To be rich
3. To ace all my classes this semester
4. To be skinny or at least healthy. Being scared of having a heart attack at night sucks.
5. Figure out who I am and what I want to major in/do as a career

I was going to ramble on a bit more, but I changed my mind.
I'll write more later.

officially twentyten

2010-01-02T02:03:00.000-08:00

Woe is me.

2009-12-30T00:13:00.000-08:00

source

Woe is Me

It's

Nighttime again

And as usual my longings activate
I want to feel warm
I want to feel safe
Safe from this
Safe from me
Safe from the longings that will never set me free

And I
I just want to stay sane
But everywhere I go I feel this pain

Bring me back down
Fill me up
Make this hole inside me satisfied so I don't disappear

They
Just don't understand
How can anyone want that misery?
Well give me your tears
I'll paint them pleasing
The drops you discarded make wonders grow

Bring me back down
Fill me up
Make this hole inside me satisfied so I don't disappear

It's the sweetest joy, the wildest woe
The sweetest joy, the wildest woe
The sweetest joy, the wildest woe
The sweetest joy

I'm so excited.

2009-12-28T02:09:00.001-08:00

This handsome devil is coming home with me around New Years.
Well, this isn't mine, but he looks like this beautiful Umbrella Cockatoo:

Gorgeous!
He was the best Christmas gift ever :]

Now, for a name...

I'm gettin' down

2009-12-28T01:56:00.000-08:00

source

to some seriously good tunes right now :]

New CDs for Christmas [the latest from]: Three Days Grace, The Used, Imogen Heap, Skillet, Saosin, Hollywood Undead, Breaking Benjamin

stupid post.

2009-12-28T00:56:00.001-08:00

I don't know why I'm doing this on my blog, but I'm so bored.
Plus, it will give me something interesting to look back on, assuming that I will have this blog for a while.
It's a little questionnaire, guys. Don't read it if there's something better out there haha! :]

Who did you last shoot a dirty look at? I don't know. I don't really shoot dirty looks at anyone.
Have you ever had a garage sale? Nope. We donate to the salvation army.. or throw stuff away.
What color is your iPod? I've been iPod-less since mine got stolen :[
What's for dinner tonight? Dinner's come and gone. We just had leftovers. How divine haha.

What is the last drink you drank? Water. Drink more water!
Last time you were sick? I don't get sick easily. Probably earlier in the year.
How long is your hair? Long. Not Rapunzel long, but almost boob-length.
Are you happy right now? Yes.
What did you say last? Sh!t, I don't remember.
Who came over last? My babe.
Do you drink beer? Nope.
Have your brothers or sisters ever told you that you were adopted?
No, my sister is younger. I don't see how that's relevant now,
but I suppose I always think of the older sibling saying that.
What is in your pocket? I'm wearing PJs. No pockets.
Who introduced you to your boyfriend or girlfriend? No one did.
What DVD is in your DVD player? I don't have one.
What's something fun you did today? Seeing my babe.
What do you think of when you hear the word "meow"? A cat?
What are you listening to right now? Imogen Heap's new CD. Kind of a disappointment :[ But I still like it :]
What have you had to drink so far today? Water and a sip of Sprite.
When is your birthday? Mar. 28
Where did you buy the shirt you're wearing now? The tag says Kmart. Good Lord.
Is there anything hanging from your rear view mirror? College parking permit.
How many states in the U.S. have you been to? 3, I think: CA, NV, and does Washington D.C. count as a state?
What are you going to do after this? Talk to my love and wash up.
What is something you need to go shopping for? Dental floss.
What is your favorite kind of gum? Mint.
Do you have any tan lines? No. I hate those.
Who was the last person to call you baby? My boyfriend, but he doesn't call me that anymore.
Has anyone ever sang to you? Yeah.
Has anyone ever given you roses? Yes :D
If you were abandoned in the wilderness, would you survive? I don't know. Maybe?
What is your favorite color? Turquoise.
What color are your eyes? Brown :[
What is a compliment you receive way too often? I don't know that I receive any TOO often. Or often at all, now that I think about it.
How tall are you? 5'4"
Do you like your parents? Most of the time. I'll always love them to pieces, but I don't ALWAYS like them.
Why did your last relationship end? This is still my first. Why am I ashamed to admit that?
Who was the last person you said you loved on the phone? My boyfriend.
Where is the furthest place youve traveled? D.C.
Which do you prefer, to eat or sleep? They're tied.
Do you look more like your mom or your dad? Dad. I have his dark coloring.
How long does it take you to shower? Ten minutes on average.
Can you do splits? No. I got close a couple years ago. Then I quit dancing.
Can you use the grill? Yeah..
What movie do you want to see? Avatar! And District 9
What did you do on New Years Eve 2007? Jeez, I don't remember.
Was your mom a cheerleader? No.
How many hours of sleep did you get last night? 9 I think
Do you wear your seatbelt in the car? All the time. Safety first!
Are you scared of flying? Hell yes.
What do you sleep in? PJ pants and a shirt.
Do you have any tattoos? I will soon:]]
Have you ever been to Los Angeles? Of course.
What is your favorite song at the moment? "Last to Know" by Three Days Grace. I think they're quite possibly my favorite band.
What song do you HATE? Bunches.
Do you like chocolate? I'm a girl, that's a given.
Are you easy to get along with? I think so.
Any upcoming events you're excited about? New Year's Eve.
Sex with more than 25 people? I'm not a slnt. Plus, I'm in a monogamous relationship.
Do you like to cuddle? Yes, but my boy is weird about that. HE likes to be the little spoon >:-[
Have you and a person ever talked about getting married? Yes, but that won't happen for years. :-/ He has big dreams.
What should you be doing right now? Sleeping.
Do you hate the last person you kissed? I couldn't.
Plans tonight? It's 1:13 am. C'mon.
What do you currently hear? "Last to Know" by TDG
When was the last time you watched a horror movie? I'm not into them. A long time ago.
Do you have any drugs in your bedroom? I'm not into that.
What is something that can easily kill your mood? Having to wait, or being rushed.. Getting into an argument.. Being criticized.
Do you remember the first time you kissed the last person you kissed? How can I forget? We were in my room on my bed one day after school while we were both juniors in high school, and he told me to kiss him. When I was too embarrassed to he kissed me and then said "your turn.":]]
Do you hate the person you fell hardest for, who? How can I hate that? ^
When was the last time you had a late night phone conversation? Every night.
Will you regret your next kiss? Highly doubt it.
Do you ignore people when you're mad or upset with them? Yeah..
Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry? So many times :[
Are you a forgiving person? I think so.
Have you ever read an entire book in one day? Oh yea. That's school for you.
Did you sleep in past noon today? Yeahhh :[
Talk to to your last ex lately? No ex.
Is anything annoying you right now? Having to go back to work in a week.
Is this year the best year of your life? No, but it has been a rollercoaster ride.
Is there something you want to tell someone but can't? I'm not sure.
Where was the last place you fell asleep other than your own bed? My babe's bed.
Do you ever think about someone and start crying? Not anymore.
Is there anybody you wish you could be spending time with right now? Always [heart]
Who was the last person you had an argument with? My babe. :[ About freaking dinner. How lame.
How many people have you had feelings for this year? Just one.
Do you still talk to the person you had your first kiss with? Yes, every day :] And I still kiss him.
What's one of your locked text messages? I'll fill this in when I get my phone.
Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? Yes, I still am considering it.
What is the status with the last person you kissed? Lovers:]
Does anything hurt on your body? Nothing.
Is there a member of the opposite sex that knows everything about you? My babe.
What are you doing for your next birthday?I have no clue.
Do you think anyone has feelings for you? Yes.
What do you spend most of your money on? Food. School. Clothes.
When was the last time you laughed at a text message? Today.
It’s 2 in the morning and you get a text message, who is it most likely? Him.
Do you think if you died that the last person you kissed would even care? He'd break apart. :[
When were you last outside? two hours ago.
Who did you last say I love you to? Aaron, I think :]
Has anyone ever hung up on you? No.
Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with? Nope.
Have you ever kissed a brown haired person? Nearly every day.
Before you die, would you wish to visit outer space? That's scary..
What if you married the last person you kissed? I would be the happiest woman alive.
Let me guess, your last incoming call was from the opposite sex? Yes.
Do you know anyone who is pregnant right now? Yes..
Are any of your friends virgins? Yes.
Did you sleep alone last night? Yes :[
Do you have anything that belongs to an ex boyfriend/girlfriend? I don't see how.
Is your hair naturally straight? Depends on how it's cut.
Happy because CHRISTMAS is coming up? It's over :[
Have you ever kissed the last person you kissed inside a vehicle? Of course.
Who did you last ride in a car with? My family.
Your ex calls you and tells you he/she wants you back, what do you do? N/A
Does the person you like know you like them? Yes.
Have you ever turned to drinking or smoking to solve a problem? No. I blog. Hahaha.
Have you seen someone recently you used to talk to, but don’t anymore? Yes, that always makes me sad.
Do you think it’s a bunch of sh!t when people say “I have no regrets?" I think so.
Do your parents love you? Yes.
If your best friend needed somewhere to stay, could they live with you? Of course he could.
Where do you want to live when you're older? Ireland. Or here, I suppose.
Are you the same person as you were at the beginning of 2009? No, I'm not.
Whats something you need to get done? School. Goddamn!t

This love -- And some rambling.

2009-12-27T01:47:00.000-08:00

If I knew that one day he wouldn't be in my life, I don't think I would want to wake up tomorrow. It seems impossible, this love.. Not that it's hard to be together, just that it seems impossible that I could love someone this much. It's incredible. It's not love the way you love your family. Of course, I love neither more than the other. I would give my all for my family as I would for him. It's just a different love.

It's one that consumes me, to the point of obsession. Whether I have crossed the point, I do not know. This love makes me weak at times, yet it makes me feel strong and invincible, like I can do anything. It makes me feel vulnerable because he knows me inside out, which buttons to push, how to read my face without me having to make a sound.

I hope I'm not making anyone gag. I just had to get this out. I've been talking to him about it, but I guess there's only so much "awww" would cover as a response. I just. I don't know what I want to say. I guess I'm here to... vent? Unleash some energy? Maybe that's it.

I wouldn't go as far to say that he's the perfect guy. Obviously, he's not. He doesn't like change, and he is quick to get upset. When something means a lot to him, he is in no way flexible. He's very small for a guy and looks a bit too young for his age. And yet, his is perfect for ME. He makes me laugh when I am crying. He can put my family in a better mood when I think it's impossible. Whenever I first see him that day he always takes my breath away -- it's like I'm seeing the sun for the first time. My sun.

He is my refuge, my go-to when life gets tough. I think that's also what pisses me off a lot of the time as well. Since I've had him, he's always been my best friend. That's what he was to me at first, before we started dating. I helped him out with his girl problems and he helped me sort out issues I had. But now, I have a best friend who is my lover. I don't have any other go-tos. So, when I'm upset or angry at him, I have no one to vent to but him, still. I don't know if this is a good thing -- it, in a way, forces me to forgive him faster because I miss him -- or a bad thing because I never get anyone else's point of view. Maybe I've made a thousand mistakes that I don't see. I don't know.

In February we will have been together for 3 years. That's a long time, but it seems like just yesterday he was all antsy and embarrassed, waiting for the perfect time to ask me while I waited patiently for him to spit it out. We've both changed so much yet still love each other.

Sometimes I wonder if this will be forever. If he'll be my one and only. I'd like for it to be that way, but I'm also realistic enough to know that in this day and age, it isn't likely. Still, the optimist in me refuses to give up and so I have high hopes that this will work out... But that doesn't make that any less naive haha.

Sometimes I think that I should be 27 instead of 19. I want so many things that I shouldn't want. It's hard to explain while still being vague... which, I guess, means I shouldn't try to explain it. But, still it bugs me. I should be happy that I'm still so young, but I'm so eager to grow up. I need something to make me want to stay young.

I think this concludes my ramblings for one night.

His Lullaby

2009-12-24T02:17:00.001-08:00

Leave me a star so we'll always be together
A shining beacon to guide you if you lose your way
I'll look at it and think on your face as I last saw it
Your smile the only true thing in my world

And I'll wait for you
I will wait for you

So many days have I been so close to cracking
And so many nights have I cried
It's your touch that gives me hope, your faith that gives me strength
To go on one more day to see it through

We may be two hearts, but two parts that make us whole
Alone neither one can sustain
From fingertips to toes I have memorized your feel
'Cause when you kissed my lips, you also touched my soul

And I'll wait for you
Whatever you decide
I'll wait for you
And I'll wait for you
My heart is only yours and I'll wait for you

If our paths diverge, make your choice, and don't you worry
Let your heart lead you where you long to be
If life holds that we are meant to be, you'll find your way back
I will be right here, arms readied for your embrace

And I'll wait for you
Whatever you decide
I'll wait for you
And I'll wait for you
If it takes forever I'll wait for you

i love this

2009-12-23T01:54:00.000-08:00

Be careful if you make a woman cry, for God counts every one of her tears. The woman came out of a man’s rib, not from his feet to be walked on, not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal, under the arm to be protected and next to the heart to be loved.

my civil war.

2009-12-23T01:12:00.000-08:00

This feeling eats my insides out

Consuming me
Confusing me
I want to believe I have a chance

It's plain to see
That this is not for me
No matter how much I wish it so

So I'll try to
Ignore it
But I cannot seem to

Please take me
Oh, chain me
Make me forget that there was ever a time without you
Can't you see
I want you to want me
Force my eyes to open to see the truth that was always there

This insecurity
Threatens to bury me
The longing is the weight that holds me down

I am in the dark
Listening to no one but my heart
And yet you will tell me it is wrong

Please take me
Oh, chain me
Make me forget that there was ever a time without you
Can't you see
I want you to want me
Force my eyes to open to see the truth that was always there

How can I know that this is real?
Trusting is so hard in a world this cruel
Be my anchor, keep me held so close
That only death can pry us apart

This feeling eats my insides out

letting go

2009-12-10T01:32:00.001-08:00

really is the hardest thing. :[

ill always love you, sweetheart.

i know youll be happier where youre going.

another wish list :]

2009-12-03T00:00:00.000-08:00

burberry scarf

starbucks gift card :)

any love spell scented product from victoria's secret

coexist decal

funny stickies and pillow from urban outfitters

i dont think i need to tell you what these are.

christmas wish list

2009-12-02T23:51:00.001-08:00

1. burberry scarf
2. CDs: three days grace, breaking benjamin, skillet, paramore, imogen heap, sarah brightman, lady gaga, etc
3. books
4. iPod touch/nano
5. amazing camera
6. promise-type ring
7. money for tattoos
8. coexist bumper sticker/decal 9. victoria's secret love spell perfume/lotion/body spray
10. exotic earrings
11. picture of ireland for my wall
12. toys/supplies for heidi
13. yummy chocolates/candy/starbucks gift card
14. nice smelling candles
15. makeup/supplies

life at the moment

2009-11-29T21:42:00.001-08:00

1. Where is your cell phone: On my bed next to me.
2. Your hair: is down, as always.
3. Your favorite food: Your standard burger with hot, crispy french fries. Yum!
4. Your dream from last night: It was bizarre. I forgot my final for my film class and there were cockatoos in all the trees.
5. Your favorite drink: Peppermint mocha :]
6. Your dream/goal: To help people through music or medicine, have a family, go to Ireland.
7. What room are you in: Mine.
8. What are your hobbies: Singing, writing, drawing, and learning new things.
9. What is your fear: Losing him.
10. Where do you want to be in 6 years: Either medical school or making music.
11. Where were you last night: with Aaron :]
12. Something you are not: fit. :-[
13. Muffins: Either banana walnut or blueberry. Delicious.
14. Wish list items: a unique ring, fringed purse, an iPod of some sort, and dvds from Tommy Tiernan, my favorite comedian.
15. Where did you grow up: southern California, where I am now.
16. Last thing you did: went to the orthodontist.
17. What are you wearing: my worst jeans, paisley tank and a black cardigan.
18. Your TV: is currently off.
19. Your pets: 2 Weimaraners, Silver and Captain.
20. Your friends: are few, but are very dear to me.
21. Your favorite store: borders, urban outfitters.
22. Your favorite color: turquoise

my heidi<3

2009-11-22T21:11:00.000-08:00

i snuck her into my house yesterday.

im so in love with this little girl :]

refreshing thoughts

2009-11-10T22:56:00.000-08:00

source

i can give myself hope.
i can give myself strength.
i can be whatever i want to be in this life.
i dont need some god to make me whole.
i can pull through anything.
im alive, and i can make the most out of anything.

i think i had an epiphany tonight.
i must remember this for the times that get tough in my life.
it feels so damn good to think this way.

brilliant, simply brilliant

2009-11-03T23:08:00.001-08:00

Today, my five year old nephew came up to me and asked me what an orgasm was. Before I could answer he asked if it was when someone's organs exploded. I told him yes. He then proceeded to tell his mom he never wanted to have an orgasm. The look on her face was priceless. MLIA

violent tendencies.

2009-11-03T13:34:00.000-08:00

source

i want you to feel what it's like to be me
this is what you make me
this is what you make me
im ready to combust, it needs to be free
it's a threat that you don't see
this is how you made me

things get harder every day

2009-11-03T01:29:00.000-08:00

havent written in a while.
things have been busy.
aaron is sick, so im up by myself trying to get back to doing my midterm after taking a "break." im about halfway done page-wise, but not content-wise.
im tired now but i wanted to finish before going to sleep.
ive been pretty down in the dumps about music. ive thought about quitting this whole band thing altogether because i pretty much feel secondhand. it's hard to find members, esp those interested in having a female vocalist, and with a bf who already is involved in one band. im still so bitter towards them, and ive been feeling it a lot lately. i cant listen to him talk about his other band. i get so angry and jealous that i nearly lose it. i crumble inside and lately ive gotten really bad... i start envisioning some pretty violent shit. it makes me wonder if there's something wrong with me. like, it just doesnt seem normal, and im a pretty patient and peaceful person. i dont ever want to harm people, but with them...

or maybe it is normal. i dont know.
i failed my diet, again.
back to eating nothing tomorrow.

i swear, things are getting harder by the day.

i almost talked to aaron about taking a break the other day too.
it had to do with band stuff and i just havent been the best out there lately.
i think he sensed it, because he convinced me not to, without me ever having to tell him what i was thinking about.
i love him, but i wanted to feel loved. not like a metaphorical punching bag.

i thought of names again, too.
sad, i know, but it keeps me... sane? nah, too melodramatic.
idk it's kinda theraputic for me or something haha.
jeez.

but ok:

1. freya therese (and if i have her with aaron one day, her initials would be FTW! hell ya!)
2. marina isabel
3. alanna belle
4. summer rose
5. avylon/aveline leclaire
6. jack sawyer
7. brody bay
8. chloe avylon
9. jack leonardo
10. sawyer chance

bad night.

2009-10-26T22:07:00.000-07:00

why do you make this hard on me?
or rather, why do i make things hard on me?
it's just not fair how you can't let me be
there's only one way it can go but you're refusing

i won't
i try
but i can't

you turn your back and my stars all crumble
tiny morsels down the drain now tumble
im starving for more than you can give
this fix

every time i swear it's my last
but each time i come crawling back
on hands and knees, i'm in the wrong
there's just nothing i can turn to

i won't
i try
die

you turn your back and my stars all crumble
tiny morsels down the drain now tumble
im starving for more than you can give
this fix

fix this
fix this
this fix
this fix

made me smile

2009-10-15T22:48:00.001-07:00

"Today, I just lost a bet to a homeless man he guessed what state I was born in (an infant), how many kids my father had (0 my mom had the kids) , and how many letters where in your last name (12 "your last name"). Best two dollars I ever lost. MLIA"

"Today, I was doing PR for our city police department and talking to kids about 911. I asked a group of preschoolers if any of them could tell me what their address was. A little girl immediately raised her hand and told me that a dress was a something you pulled over your head to wear. Best answer I heard all day. MLIA."

Today a guy in my history class said he couldn't take the test because he was suffering from sexual exhaustion. Without looking up from her desk, the teacher said, "That's ok, just use the other hand." MLIA

Today, when I asked my son how hitting his brother in the eye could be "an accident," he replied, "I was trying to hit him in the nose." MLIA

Today, my friend and I were playing with an application on his iphone, which is similar to a magic 8 ball. He asked it several questions and kept getting similar lame responses, such as "outlook isn't good," "not in a million years," "ask again later," etc. He got frustrated, and exclaimed, "Oh yea! Well I bet you don't have a girlfriend, do you Mr. 8 Ball!" It responded with, "Ask your mom." It could not have been a more perfect response. MLIA.

Today, my teacher told us that he found out the gender of his soon-to-be child. It's a girl. My classmates were asking him what him and his wife are thinking for names. He said they've decided to name her Brooke Lynn. Everyone aww'd at how nice of a name, till I remembered his last name is Bridge. I laughed so hard I snorted. No one got it. MLIA

Today, my American Sign Language class learned the sign for "drinking water": to mimic moving an invisible bottle to your mouth. A girl performed the motion with her hand in a tight fist rather than her hands cupped. The teacher broke out laughing hysterically. Little did we know she just signed "blowjob." MLIA

Today, my brother had tons of animal crackers on the floor looking through them. I asked him what he was doing and he replied, "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken. I'm looking for the seal." I have high hopes for him. MLIA.

Today in history, my teacher was talking about the women and horses that died during the crusades, and how horses were considered more important. "You can't ride a woman", he said, paused, laughed, then said "Well, you can, but I don't know how effective it would be in battle."He's definitely my favourite teacher. MLIA

Today, a man called me by accident. When I told him he had the wrong number he replied "No, you just have the wrong phone." Touché, phone man. MLIA.

Today, another physics teacher walked in to my physics class. My teacher started joking with him, and asked him, "Why don't you teach any AP classes?". In response, The teacher said "I don't know, I guess I just don't have A.P-ness." When the whole class burst out laughing, he didn't get it. It took him five minutes to realize what he had said. MLIA.

www.mylifeisaverage.com is the best

2009-10-14T20:55:00.000-07:00

Today, I went to the local orchard. They have a play area, with a rule sign at the gate. The first five rules were normal, like don't throw things, and wear the wristband for proof of purchase. The sixth rule was "Parents, don't leave your kids unsupervised". Underneath that, in italics, read "Kids left unsupervised will be given espresso and promised a bunny". My parents and I started cackling madly. MLIA

Today, my brother asked my mom why wearing no underwear is called "commando." She replied, "Because commando means you're ready to attack.". My mom just got significantly cooler. MLIA

Today, I was forced to put up Halloween decorations with my 3 year old cousin. She picked up a plastic bone, and proceeded to name him Mr. Boner. She thought it would be appropriate to carry around her new plastic friend, and introduce him to strangers. Thank you my little cousin for making such a boring task so incredibly awesome. MLIA.

Today, I was talking to my older cousin about how much I hate my last name, Dill. She then asked me to think about how she feels because her name is Chrystal Leer. I didn't understand until she reminded me her middle name is shanda. Chrystal Shanda Leer. I love my Aunt and Uncle a little bit more now. MLIA

Today, I recieved a birthday card from my 80 year old grandmother. The card read, "Here's 50 bucks. I still love you. Even though you never f-ing call me anymore." I now have the utmost respect for her. MLIA

Today , I decided to tell my family a riddle that goes like this: "When you have it you want to share it, but when you share it you don't have it. What is it?" The expected answer to the riddle is "a secret", but my little brother said "Virginity?" I love him a little more now. MLIA

Today, I walked into my family room to see my mom watching the video of her marriage to my stepdad, because she wanted to transfer the VCR to a DVD. I got there right in time to watch myself walk down the aisle as the flower girl. Half way down, I dumped out the remaining flower petals in the basket and put the basket on my head. I proceeded to skip the rest of the way down the aisle. Way to go, little me. MLIA

A while ago, I found out that "Liar, Liar Pants On Fire" translated into French and back comes back to say "Teller of Untruths, Your Trousers Have Combusted". I laughed. MLIA

Today, I discovered that the roof of my apartment leaks when it rains. Right into my sink. I'm still not sure if there's a problem. MLIA

Today, I was teasing my mom on the phone about my cousin who is pregnant without revealing who is actually pregnant. I was giving her hints such as they're 18 years old, it's not that surprising etc etc. Finally she said "who is it, you?" I paused slightly and asked her how she knew, she freaked out for ten minutes then hung up the phone. I don't know what's more surprising, that my mom forgets that I'm really twenty-one, or that my mom thinks men can get pregnant.

Today, we had a substitute in class. Right before she began to call the roll, everyone in my class decided that we were gonna say "chop" when our name was called. She started calling everyone's name and was confused at first about our responses, but soon went along with it. When the very last person's name was called, instead of saying "chop" he replied "timber!" and we all fell out of our seats. Easily the best homeroom ever. MLIA.

Today, while walking home I saw a banana peel in the middle of the road. I thought nothing of it until finding an empty turtle shell a few feet away. Someone has been playing Mario Kart in my neighborhood. MLIA

Today I noticed a sign on a door that said "This door is alarmed". Underneath it someone had written "What startled it?". MLIA.

Today, I was on the computer. I looked and saw the Microsoft Word paperclip guy but Word was not open. He winked at me and then disappeared. I'm worried. MLIA

Today, I went to the grocery store, and I saw a car that was exactly like mine, down to the color. I parked next to it, and left a note on the windshield that said "Sick ride!" When I was leaving the store, I found a note on my windshield. It read: "Thank you, my dear vehicular twin." It made me very happy. MLIA

Today, I was talking with this girl I met the other day and she asked when my birthday was. I told her it was September 31st. She screamed and told me that was her birthday as well. There is no September 31st. MLIA

Today I was looking through some old papers from 2nd grade. I noticed that on one of my spelling tests I had spelled "penis" instead of "pennies". I wish I could have seen my teachers face. MLIA

Today, I was texting my friend and I wanted to say "you're a weirdo" but the setting on my phone shows what it thinks the next word will be and it came up with "you're a chicken sandwich". Much better choice than my first one. MLIA.

Today, I got a book for my college class from the college bookstore. On the side of the book, there is a sticker that says "I'm Used, I'm Cheap, And I'm Available". I think my book is a prostitute. MLIA

hope this makes u smile :]

rain!

2009-10-13T21:43:00.001-07:00

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it rained for the first time in AGES today!
you have no idea how good of a mood ive been in.
i swear, give me some rain and ill be one happy bee regardless of what happens.
i hope it rains tomorrow and the day after and the day after and the day after...

warm fuzzy feelings arise

2009-10-11T23:30:00.000-07:00

doesnt she just make your heart melt?

source

i love babies

money can buy marshmallows.

2009-10-11T22:53:00.000-07:00

source

i want to punch the person that said "money cant buy happiness" in the face.

really, you must have been a really rich stinker, because if i had a few hundred bucks laying around here, i sure as hell know that my life would be a whole lot happier.

money isnt everything, blah, blah, blah.
but it really becomes something when you find yourself thinking of that first before you do anything.

haha im not living in a box, and im not using food stamps or anything.
but having your savings account withdraw the last $4 from your checking account and put you in the red kinda sucks. and then you feel poor.

i really need to find a better job.

a little thought i had for the day.

2009-10-11T16:20:00.000-07:00

source

the journey is where ill live
in laying in bed on a sea of yesterdays
and looking up to a sky of tomorrows
there's nothing more true than the now

rebel?

2009-10-11T03:51:00.000-07:00

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sometimes i crack up at the way i think of myself. i sometimes like to consider myself as a "rebel at heart" when, really, there's nothing rebellious about me. sure, we all hate taking orders and obeying the rules, but me, a rebel? yeah. the most rebellious thing i have ever done was to go to high school occasionally out of uniform... that is, by wearing a shirt without a collar. oh, im such a badass.

untitled lyrics.

2009-10-11T00:35:00.000-07:00

source

it's so easy to get lost in your eyes
green, jaded like i was when i met you
but since then everything has changed
i forget the difference between livings

i used to rush in the before
now im freezing in the after
deep in your pocket, im warm and safe here
sleeping soundly while everything goes by

it's hard to remember a time before this
you're a hallmark i use to judge
can something so good can kill me?
if thats the case is it a price i can afford to pay?

i used to rush in the before
now im freezing in the after
deep in your pocket, im warm and safe here
sleeping soundly while everything goes by

can you have the high without addiction?
can you give without giving it all?
can you break the habit without destruction?
what's it gonna take to finally bring the fall?

i used to rush in the before
now im freezing in the after
deep in your pocket, im warm and safe here
sleeping soundly while everything goes by

so i'll just dream
i'll just dream
so i'll just dream here, warm here, safe here
dream
as you pass me by

i'd really love to do this

2009-10-10T14:15:00.000-07:00

"I grew up in a college town, and one Halloween our doorbell rang and we opened the door expecting to see trickortreater—but what was in front of our open door—was another door! Like, a full-on wooden door, that had a sign that said “Please knock.” So we did, and the door swung open to reveal a bunch of college dudes dressed as really old grandmothers, curlers in their hair, etc, who proceeded to coo over our “costumes” and tell us we were “such cute trick or treaters!” One even pinched my cheek. Then THEY gave US candy, closed their door, picked it up and walked to the next house. MLIA"

www.mylifeisaverage.com

bloody brilliant!

a smile for the coming week

2009-10-03T14:54:00.001-07:00

source

for some reason, im feeling very optimistic for this coming week.
and, trust me, this never happens haha.
for once, i have absolutely nothing to stress over. [i hope im not jinxing it!]
i have no projects due [b/c i was a smartie and completed/presented it during the first week available instead of waiting 3 weeks down the road], i have no tests, it's not my week to play in piano, and i don't think i have any other engagements. SCORE!
im sorry, but last week i was stressing out like a madwoman with no crack. and when i stress, it's not good, because im prone to meltdowns. i get all melodramatic, i cry, i search for every possible thing wrong in my life, i eat too much, i stay up late, and i strain my relationship with my boy.

yeah, this girl + stress = hell.

but this week, i feel FREEE!

sooo what am i going to do?
perhaps ill keep being productive and finish my work due for the week after :]

haha perhaps all this optimism comes from the fact that i FINALLY changed my sheets and quilt on my bed and cleaned my room.
i feel like i cleaned out a part of my soul.

...whoa, that sounded weird.
but im a very different person after i've cleaned.
OH! and i washed my car yesterday too!
HELLOOOOO good mood! :]]

what a surprise

2009-10-03T13:36:00.000-07:00

haha i was looking around on myspace, and on the "people you might know" section, i saw a picture of a guy that i had fallen really hard for in high school. haha, it was bizarre, but after a while he said he "liked" me and then after that mustve been embarrassed because he ended up avoiding me at all costs. now that i look back on it, it's pretty funny, but back then it absolutely tore me to pieces.

and today, i looked on his web page and found out that he's gay.

HAHA, well, it makes sense now.
maybe it was an error, maybe not.
but i can see it.

it's just like wow.
haha i never expected that.

go him, i hope he finds happiness.

but, man, was my perception of him wrong...

LIKES

2009-10-02T23:16:00.000-07:00

now, to balance out the negativity from the last post...

LIKES!

- when my bf says something particularly sweet&sincere
- mastering a piece on piano
- singing/making songs with my bf
- river wins in poker
- dreaming about getting married
- the color turquoise
- overcast/cold/rainy weather
- my room
- birds
- getting letters and packages in the mail
- karma: the belief that what goes around comes around
- fmylife.com, mylifeisaverage.com, mylifeisg.com
- shane dawson
- pretty bras
- babies
- family guy [esp evil stewie]
- watching my bf ice skate. he looks like an angel.
- the belief that if there is good there must be evil; you need a balance
- HAVING A CLEAN CAR
- nickelback in concert :]
- folding towels still hot from the dryer on a cool day :]
- warm homemade chocolate chip cookies fresh from the oven
- the smell that fills the house when youre baking stuff
- cornbread
- gay marriage
- how your mouth feels after you brush your teeth
- POPPING BUBBLE WRAP
- kissing xxxxx
- torrid.com
- scarves
- photography
- the smell of air conditioning
- burning logs in the fireplace during holidays
- CHRISTMASTIME
- knowing that ill finally be in the 20s. kinda makes me sad though, but i feel grown up.
- the smell of gasoline/new bags from clothing stores
- reading good newspapers
- flip flops [esp RAINBOWS]
- the feeling of sand beneath your feet and the wind blowing through your hair
- the beachy smell
- dolphins
- the name Freya
- my favorite kids at work :] SO cute and innocent
- pictures with my boyfriend in them
- mermaids. idk why but i always wished i was a mermaid
- spicy stuff
- good days
- tommy tiernan/gabriel iglesias
- greys anatomy
- the OC
- old disney movies
- being pro-choice
- learning about the brain and certain diseases
- cowboys ;-) [w/o southern accents? HAHA]
- happy endings
- ETSY.com
- taco bell
- tattoos
- kat von d
- cheap, trashy romances
- having days with no school, no work, no homework, and time to spend with the boyfriend
- finding things out about my comp and fixing computers :]
- drawing funny pictures when i should be paying attention in class
- watching behind the scenes of animated/cartoon shows. i like watching the actors record :]
- katherine heigl
- PATRICK DEMPSEY WOOT!
- being barefoot
- pocahontas [movie]
- diaries
- finding money in your pockets that you had forgotten about
- the smell of freshly washed laundry mmmm
- the feeling of just shaved legs -- so silky smooth!
- when my bf just shaved
- lazy days
- long hair [on guys&girls... guys with really long hair are uber hot]
- playing smash bros brawl!
- watching funny movies with my looooove
- the fact that i can show up at his house in a raggedy sweater, frizzy hair, and no makeup on and he'll say i look beautiful [HEART!] some guys ARE like that
- big dogs
- jalapenos
- writing lyrics [when i have inspiration]
- dreaming of going to ireland
- shop therapy!
- when he calls me baby :]
- sparkling headbands
- airy/cute rooms
- lessons i learned from my mom and dad
- being late for school because you found a lost dog in the street and brought it back home :]
- singing harmonies
- very unique names
- wearing tube tops when it's hot
- dippin dots
- ferraro's italian food
- the feeling i get after i help someone out in some way
- looking at the stars at night
- blogging
- lust&romance ;-)
- irish accents
- irish dancing [clogging]
- jewelry
- burning candles
- SUBWAY sandwhiches
- bagels
- blueberry waffles with bologna or cream cheese yummm
- burning candles
- lockets
- flowers [esp. lillies & roses with many colors on them]
- watching makeup tutorials
- wearing sweaters

p.s. i had more but for some reason, the heart symbol deleted everything after it and so at least half of them disappeared :[ i retyped as many as i could remember

DISLIKES

2009-10-02T13:21:00.000-07:00

ive been penting up a bit of annoyance and frustration within me, especially toward a couple of people.
since im too much of a chicken/would feel too rude to confront anyone, im just going to make a list of my annoyances/dislikes of the moment.
oh and i guess to balance it out ill include a list of likes as well.
wont u join me?
i love reading lists, so feel free to make ur own.
if u do, let me know :-)

DISLIKES:

- sports/athletes [all of the ones i know are @ssholes]
- competition in general
- when D. thinks he doesnt have to be respectful because he "owns the place"
- when people talk during movies
- "cuz i said": if you're going to use "because i said so" as a reason for something, [which btw is absolutely NO reason at all and, in my opinion, should not be used] at least do us the favor at least complete the damn fragment enough so that it makes sense
- "where you at?" --> for GOD'S SAKE, it's "where are you?"
- when people choose to ignore the fact that they're intruding and are unwanted at the moment
- sarcasm. it just makes you look like a jerk.
- parents that don't parent
- parents that don't discipline their kids
- parents that don't give kids damn breathing room
- when hard drives decide to fry when youre in the process of backing up all your data
- narrow minded people/those unwilling to accept change
- religion [if you turn to religion to have some source of hope, fine. anything else is absurd]
- loud/obnoxious stuff <-- thats vague, i know, sorry
- not having enough money to make ends meet
- self-centeredness
- cleaning [except when im mad. when im mad, i clean like hell. i should be mad all the time lol]
- when people breathe heavily over your shoulder
- hot weather
- SOCKS AND SANDALS
- "fat days"
- periods
- oversleeping
- arrogance/selfishness
- punk rock
- the saxophone
- racism/stereotyping [jokes are funny. being serious about it isnt]
- deal or no deal
- will ferrell's acting/movies
- steve martin's acting/movies
- horror flicks
- when nearly empty foods/drinks are put back into the fridge/cabinet
- messy houses [doesnt mean that im perfectly clean. just that i HATE the mess haha]
- when ppl that have A/C or fans refuse to put them on in hot weather
- when ppl water their lawns during the day/leave the lights/TV on when unneeded
- broken stuff
- when ppl don't take the initiative to find solutions themselves, but instead ask ?s incessantly [GOOGLE IT, GODDAMN IT]
- uggs
- carpeted floors
- cats
- turkey
- SLOW DRIVERS
- when drivers DON'T USE THEIR BLINKERS
- the fact that some people throw away pennies. [wtf man? send them to me!]
- southern accents
- the way some ppl say bayg instead of "bag"
- tupperware
- plastic grocery bags
- litterers
- pulp fiction
- philosophy
- going to bed early
- AM radio
- large cars. everyone should drive small cars. :-)
- when people take jokes too far
- capris
- fish
- socks/regular shoes
- when people smoke around me. headaches :-(
- when ppl smell like alcohol
- B.O.
- printer jams
- spiders
- braces
- eggs [scrambled eggs are ok, however]
- fred on youtube
- argumentative writing
- bass.
- most reality TV
- watching shows on TV
- spam [the emails and stuff :-)]
- long lines
- thinking about outer space/how insignificant we all are in the great scheme of things
- cauliflower
- when my laptop nearly burns my legs
- when people talk wayyyy too loud on their cellphones
- orange cream popsicles
- cherry flavored stuff
- root beer/dr. pepper
- sports/energy drinks
- gravy
- taco salads
- the price of gas
- jaywalking
- plain chocolate/vanilla ice cream
- hot drinks
- smoothies
- feeling jealous
- feeling insecure because of my body
- the harshness of the german language
- when people say "you don't know what you're talking about"
- when people say "no offense" and continue to offend you
- when some people wear sunglasses on cloudy days
- boredom
- how fishing/poker is considered a sport. i dont see how that makes sense.
- VPL's: check urban dictionary or watch what not to wear to know that what means
- beans
- orange and blue paired together
- how some people say "ew" to foods that they've never tried before
- crispy hairsprayed hair
- pity parties
- when people come up with nicknames for EVERYTHING
- river losses in poker
- the fact that parents cut the crusts off their kids' sandwiches
- when people throw the ends of the loaf away. wtf man?
- how facebook is now more popular than myspace :'-(
- when folks don't use their manners

that's all for now.
likes in the next post.

take me to ireland!

2009-10-01T01:51:00.000-07:00

pleeeeease!
besides the fact that it is beautiful, i am practically married to the culture, i am so obsessed.
their reputation of being hospitable, the wonderful ethnic music (and instruments!), the overcast and rainy weather, their sad history, their comedians, their poets, oh my lord.
my gallant celtic warrior, come sweep me off my feet.
[yes, i know i have a bf, but a girl can dream.]
oh, and i love potatoes, too.

i told you i was obsessed.
[so take me there and shut me up :-)]

source

i got cut! yippee!

2009-09-29T23:53:00.000-07:00

i got my hair cut on friday.
i loved it from the moment i got it.
it was long, past my shoulders and down my back.
but now, instead of being long [period], it is now long and layered.
oh, what a difference! it is now flippy and curly and beautiful. naturally!

haha im sorry, but it sorta makes me feel better about myself.
hurrah!

maybe ill do something like this in the future?

source

2009-09-29T14:00:00.000-07:00

i like how when i go to text the word "kiss" to my boyfriend (using T9), it comes up as "lips" :]

source

new love

2009-09-29T01:45:00.000-07:00

guess accessories<3

for future reference

2009-09-28T23:19:00.000-07:00

after reading posts from apricot tea and the owl diary, i decided to be really really lame and do this questionnaire for myself (i just hope i dont seem like a huge ass). i'd like to look back on this one day and see how much i changed, though i dont think ill necessarily need to look at this specific survey to figure that out. :]

The Proust Questionnaire:

1. What is your idea of perfect happiness? being content while doing absolutely nothing; laying in the arms of someone you are in love with; getting lost in music, whether it be at a concert while singing along with thousands of other ppl to your favorite song (no feeling like it) or playing to yourself; feeling like you helped someone out or made a difference in their day; accepting whatever you have in life and being content with that -- no regrets.

2. What is your greatest fear? both surveys i've read have said something along the lines of "fear itself." im sorry, but im not that wise. im scared of death and the end of the world, as well as losing the people most important to me.

3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? im not sure if deplore was the intended word for this survey... but i have to say my sensitivity. i really have no shell whatsoever. it takes nothing to break me down.

4. What is the trait you most deplore in others? pride of any kind. do not get me started.

5. Which living person do you most admire? my father/mother.

6. What is your greatest extravagance? time. i spend it like i have it all.

7. What is your current state of mind? nonchalant, i would say. im tired, and all the worries about homework and school are going to have to wait until tomorrow.

8. What do you consider the most overrated virtue? chastity. im sorry, but there's nothing wrong with some good, old-fashioned lust. virgin or not, it wont make a difference.

9. On what occasion do you lie? when i can make it seem believable, and when i dont want to hurt someone else's feelings.

10. What do you most dislike about your appearance? the extra weight and all that it entails.

11. Which living person do you most despise? a few people that have hurt my boyfriend and me. i despise them equally.

12. What is the quality you most like in a man? the protectiveness. i like feeling safe, wanted, and treasured in a man's arms. i wouldnt mind if mine had a slight jealous streak, either. while charm and humor are always a plus, i'd like to know that my man would shield me from all harm, or at least, want to.

13. What is the quality you most like in a woman? confidence with modesty. i admire that.

14. Which words or phrases do you most overuse? "son," "fuck," "i dont know," "whatever," "i love you"

15. What or who is the greatest love of your life? my boy <3>16. When and where were you happiest? i experience random bursts of happiness all the time. however, the time i can most vividly remember being happy was on my first date with aaron at knotts berry farm. you would think it was the day he asked me to be his girl, but that's not it i guess. on the way to knotts, he held my hand, played all the love songs on his iPod to me, and whispered sweet nothings in my ear. i still get butterflies thinking about it.

17. Which talent would you most like to have? The ability to play the piano and be a good singer. <--- me too, kristyna. i play and sing, but i can always get better. however, for an original answer, i'd have to say either to dance well or something physical.

18. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? besides my appearance? (since thats my obvious answer) ummm... either be less sensitive or more confident.

19. What do you consider your greatest achievement? writing a whole book in my senior year of high school.

20. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be? a bird. ive always wanted to fly. (so not a chicken, penguin, or ostrich, thanks.)

21. Where would you most like to live? ireland. it's my dream to go there and maybe one day live there.

22. What is your most treasured possession? i rarely wear it for fear of losing it or worse, but the cheap little butterfly necklace with "angel" written on it that aaron got me for my 18th birthday.

23. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? life without a love, or losing the love of your life. i cant imagine it.

24. What is your favorite occupation? i have little experience in that department, but i would say something rewarding either as a musician or where you get to save lives. say, in the medical field.

25. What is your most marked characteristic? my size? my hair? or maybe the red dot in my left eye that not many have mentioned to me, but that will prevent me from robbing any banks, should i ever have the sudden urge.

26. What do you most value in your friends? their humor (theyre all guys) and kindness.

27. Who are your favorite writers? stephenie meyer, jodi picoult, dean koontz, jk rowling, liz curtis higgs

28. Who is your hero of fiction? bella swan. sorry, i know it's lame, but really, a heroine who's a normal girl, even weirder and more of an outcast than the rest of us? you go, girl.

29. Which historical figure do you most identify with? i dont know any of them personally, so i cant really say.

30. Who are your heroes in real life? i believe i already answered this.

31. What are your favorite names? marina, freya, isabella, derek, jack. the names of my future kids... well, hopefully only 2 haha :]

32. What is it that you most dislike? loneliness, illness, procrastination, being deceived, being berated and not being able to defend myself, not being able to marry my boyfriend and live with him, my lack of funds.

33. What is your greatest regret? not trying harder when i had the chance.

34. How would you like to die? at peace, painlessly, and quickly.

35. What is your motto? i dont really have one. but "it could be worse" and "tomorrow's a new day" seem to make me feel better at times.

we danced

2009-09-27T15:51:00.000-07:00

last weekend, i told aaron i wanted to dance.
he looked at me with that "you gotta be kidding me look" and i gave him the "cmon, pleeeease?" look right back.

he sighed and i took his hand and we went to his room.
i found the youtube of my favorite love song (nickelback's "far away") and as it started, he cheesily stood up, held out his hand and asked "may i have this dance?"

and he held me close and we danced, just us two, in his room <3

1 word

2009-09-27T14:19:00.000-07:00

1. Where is your cell phone? POCKET

2. Your hair? DOWN

3. Your mother? PISCES

4. Your father? ANNOYING

5. Your favorite food? THAI

6. Your dream last night? WINDOWS

7. Your favorite drink? FRAPP

8. Your dream/goal? AARON

9. What room are you in? MINE

10. Your hobby? SINGING

11. Your fear? INFERTILITY

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? MARRIED

13. Where were you last night? AARON'S

14. Something that you aren’t? HAPPY :[

15. Muffins? FULL.

16. Wish list item? MONEY

17. Where did you grow up? SOCAL

18. Last thing you did? TIDY

19. What are you wearing? CLOTHES

20. Your TV? NONE

21. Your pets? DOGS

22. Friends? LOST

23. Your life? LAME

24. Your mood? BLAH

25. Missing someone? OFCOURSE<3

26. Vehicle? VIOLATED

27. Something you’re not wearing? SKIRT

28. Your favorite store? BOOKS

29. Your favorite color? TURQUOISE

30. When was the last time you laughed? LASTNIGHT

31. Last time you cried? DITTO^

32. Your best friend? AARON

33. One place that I go to over and over? MYSPACE

34. One person who emails me regularly? AARON

35. Favorite place to eat? ANYWHERE

*taken from beyond wunderman

temptation

2009-09-23T23:03:00.000-07:00

the gray wraps around me
im mummified
the silver part has gone missing
either that or lost its shine
i cant let them go, get them out
theyll seep into my soul, get them out
please release me

and when they say, and when they say
it'll all turn out ok
they never wait, they never wait
to see it to the end

it seems like every day i fight something new
there's no way around it, idk what to do
you have no idea, you have no clue
the hidden battles i fight for you

in tearing down this temple
im helpless
but dancing with these shadows
is much too dangerous
so let the rain come down, wash them clean
let the key be found, wash them clean
and release me

it seems like every day i fight something new
there's no way around it, idk what to do
you have no idea, you have no clue
the hidden battles i fight for you

seduced by temptation
my ruin and damnation
ignorance is never bliss
whats the point in fighting this

it will always be there
it will always be there
you will always be there
ALWAYS

it seems like every day i fight something new
there's no way around it, idk what to do
you have no idea, you have no clue
the hidden battles i fight for you

2009-09-20T23:36:00.000-07:00

had a great dream last night.

i dreamed that i was in a bad situation [or what a lot of ppl would consider bad] yet everyone handled it great. ppl were excited for me.
haha i was even getting presents.

strange.
but i know it would never happen that way :[

i like these too :]

2009-09-19T12:31:00.000-07:00

Today, I walked into the kitchen to see my parents staring into each others eyes. I assumed they were having a romantic moment until I heard my dad say "Darling, I will always be the Champion of Staring Contests so save yourself the trouble and just blink". MLIA

Today, my little sister came home with her progress report, crying. My mom asked her if she would please tell her what was wrong, so my little sister shows my mom her progress report and says,"I got an F in sex". I've never laughed so hard in my life. MLIA

Today, I was riding the Metro train home. At each stop, the driver says "Stand clear, please, doors are closing." Usually they say it with a very flat affect - but my driver decided to switch it up. Every time, he said it differently: operatic voice, rapping, Donald Duck imitation, whispering, and my favorite, with a British accent (saying "Mind the Gap"). Best trip home EVER. MLIA.

Today, a kid in the pre-school class I teach said "son of a bitch" Normally I couldn't care less, but school policy says I have to call the kid's parents to tell them. I told his mom the story, and without a beat said, "did he use it in a gramatically correct sentence?" Guess who is my new favorite parent? MLIA

Today, I recieved a knock on the door from two teenage boys dressed in doctor suits with a giant needle, they asked me if i've seen somebody suspicious lurking around my property, at that exact moment another teenager in a straight jacket runs by and the two chase after him. I still can't stop laughing. MLIA

Today, my child went on this baby website about Disney and I found that her password was 'MickeyGoofyPlutoMinnie' I asked her why it was so long, she replied 'They said it had to be at least 4 characters.'MLIA

Today, I was hanging out with my three cousins. I accidently knocked over their lego castle, and the two older ones were telling the toddler to punch me. I told her to use her words, not her hands. She picked up a book and hit me with it. I have never been more proud. MLIA

Today, my boyfriend came dancing into the kitchen singing my name over and over, just as I was preparing to leave for work. He saw me, blushed and said "Oh, you're still here". Made my day. MLIA

Today at work, I was moving some child mannequins and accidentally placed a girl mannequin and a boy mannequin with their faces together. I quickly turned them away saying "You're too young." A customer saw me and dramatically said "Honestly, kids these days!" slapped the boy mannequin across the face and stomped off. I love my job. MLIA

Today, in my college physical science class, my professor said "this part of the lesson is really boring, so I am going to put on my mullet wig." He then proceeded to pull one of out his bag, place it on his bald head, and teach with a straight face. Never have I enjoyed physical science class so much. MLIA.

Today I was in my last period study hall and didn't have any work. Being tired, I put my hood up and laid my head on the desk and went to sleep. The bell woke me up at the end of the period but when I tried to lift my head I couldn't. My teacher had duck taped my hood to the desk while I was sleeping. MLIA

Today, I came across a man wearing only one shoe. I asked him, "Did you lose a shoe?" He replied "No, I found one." MLIA

Today, I got mad at my mom when she burst into my room without knocking. A little bit later, my dog tapped his head on the door and barked before I let him in. My dog has better manners than my mom. MLIA

Today, I was on Yahoo! creating a new account. After filling in my name, and alternate email it asked for my birthdate. By mistake, I typed an extra digit in the year section, and a little robot came up on the screen asking," Are you really from the future?!" It made my day.

Today I got prank called by someone who asked me if my fridge was running. I ignored the question and hung up. 2 minutes later I heard a knock on my door. I open the door just in time to see someone in a big box painted up like a fridge running away. MLIA

Today, I realised that Sirius Black's Initials spell out S.O.B. He hated his mother. I feel this is oddly appropriate. MLIA

Today, while texting, I typed mua, and my phone's auto-complete feature then suggested muahahahaha. My phone is scaring me now. MLIA

Today, I had to drive my husband's car. Since it was a long drive, I went in search of CD's. I found two burned CD's, both labeled "Brutal Metal for Brutal Men" volumes 3 and 4. They were both entirely full of the Backstreet Boys and Disney songs. I'm on a mission to find the other two volumes. MLIA

Today, I was in health class and my teacher told us a story about how he was telling them the most popular myths about sex. When he told them that you CAN get pregnant the first time he was facing the board and he heard a loud SMACK. He turned around and a girl had slapped her boyfriend yelling, "YOU LIED TO ME!" This made my entire day. MLIA

Today, as I was walking to my bus after school, a guy was walking with his girlfriend in front of me. He was being sweet and looking into her eyes until he ran right into a no parking sign. Then as they kept walking and she laughed at him, he got mad and looked at her again, angry. He ran into the next sign too. MLIA

Today when I got home my mom showed me my old furby she had found. I figured the batteries were dead and put it on my nightstand, when suddenly, in the middle of the night, its eyes opened as it said "me furby. hellooo!" and started laughing hysterically. Never have I been so frightened in my life. MLIA

During improv, we were imitating Shakespeare plays. Someone said "'Twas long and hard!", when the other guy replied "Doth what she hath said". I'm never saying "That's what she said" ever again. MLIA.

Today I was walking into the grocery store when I saw a small boy in a trench coat that was clearly too big for him, suddenly a tall man in a ski mask sprinted around the corner, bowed to the little boy and said "master, things are not going as planned, we'll need another one." he then handed the kid a potato. I've never had so many questions. MLIA

Today while at the gas station, a man walked out with a shirt on that said "Who Needs Drugs?" on the front. Expecting something religious to be on the back, he turns around and I see that the back said "No seriously, I have drugs." My 50 year old mom laughed harder than I did. MLIA.

Today, my mom set her facebook status as: "going to see my oldest daughter, WTF" My other sister and I are debating whether or not to tell her that WTF doesn't mean With The Family. MLIA

Today, I was in the checkout line when I saw a mother and her four year old son. The son was screaming his brains out in hope to get a candy bar, but his mother wasn't taking the performance. He proceeded to scream, "If I don't get my candy bar, I'll tell grandma you put daddy's peepee in your mouth!!". The mother dropped all her groceries, grabbed her kid, and stormed out of the store. I've never laughed so hard. You go, little dude. MLIA

The other day, my sister-in-law told her two and a half year old son that if he gave up his pacifier, she'd give him five dollars, which we all thought was a good idea. He thought about it for a second and then agreed. After the exchange, he said "Can someone take me to buy more?" We all got outsmarted by a toddler. MLIA.

Today I was at the supermarket getting some groceries for dinner when I saw a little toddler with one of those "child leashes" on. as I walked by he turned to his mom and said very indignantly, "mother! I do not see why I must wear this ridiculous thing!" with grammar like that, I don't see why he has to either.

Today, My best friend and her boyfriend were trying to play pool at my house but were having a debate about the rules. My best friend puts down the pool cue, turns to my Mother and says, "Aren't I allowed to hit his balls?!" My Mom replies in all seriousness, "It depends on what he did." I love my Mom. MLIA

Last night, my boyfriend changed his name in my phone to "God." I figured this out this morning when, while texting during my church service, God told me to stop texting during church. MLIA.

Today, a Kanye West song came on my iPod. Disgusted, I immediately changed it. The next song? "Sorry", by Buckcherry. Apology accepted, iPod. MLIA

Today, the doorbell rang and I proceeded to answer it. On my doorstep was a giant cardboard cutout of Snape. I have no idea who left it there, but it is now sitting in my living room, next to my couch. MLIA.

Today, my friend and I decided to watch home videos from when she was around three . Her mom, behind the camera, asked her to count to five and she did . Her mom then asked her if she could count higher . She then proceeded to stand on her chair, raise her hand in the air and count to five again . It made my day . MLIA .

Today, I found out about Mystery Google. I clicked "I'm Feeling Lucky" without typing anything into the search box. It then said "Please don't type gibberish." I proceeded to type 'gibberish' into the box and it said "Well aren't you clever". MLIA

nice dream and secret longings.

2009-09-19T00:58:00.000-07:00

i had a dream the other night, and it was finally a good one with aaron in it.
he was actually the guy i felt in love with. amazing!
we were riding in a car on the way to the mountains and he was driving with one arm around me.
i dont know. i sat so close to him and looked in his eyes and my heart just melted.
haha whoever is reading this must be close to gagging right now.
but yeah. i felt loved. special. and it was finally with him. i usually always dream of him but he ends up being wayyy different but and in someone else's skin. the only way i know it's him is cuz his name is still aaron. usually.

i dont know, it was a very simple dream but it made me feel very happy.

on another note, i feel like i should be like 8 years older than i am.
im so ready to settle down and get married and have a family and all that ish.
i mean, what the hell is wrong with me? im 19! goddamn!
i know it's wrong and yadda yadda and no worries, i would never act on these feelings... but jeez. what, is my biological clock ready to give out or something? haha... it's stupid, but whatever.
i just had to get it out.

coping.

2009-09-17T14:15:00.000-07:00

after quite a few trips to the doctor and my gyno, i was diagnosed with having PCOS yesterday. talk about a bummer :[ i mean, it's supposedly pretty common -- about 10% of women have this disease -- but it still sucks.

but polycystic ovaries... me? whaaaat?
yeah, i guess.

i dont know if it's because of my weight or not. i know weight and PCOS have a lot to do with each other, but none of my other relatives have it and most of them are pretty fluffy people. after reading about a lot of other women's stories on the internet, i feel a little better b/c i dont think mine is as severe as it can get. i dont know if ill ever have trouble having children or become infertile or what not -- god forbid -- but i do know that some of the other symptoms have yet to appear... or if i do have them, theyre minor enough so that they dont bother me and im not incredibly aware.

still, it sucks.
it's not something that can be cured... it's something that u gain control over by changing your lifestyle. :-/ that's not too horrible, right? i mean, it's not like it's a fatal disease. it's just something about being a woman that makes it a little more sucky. i mean, who wants excess facial hair, a deeper voice, darker/rougher skin, and acne, as well as a messed up reproductive system? count me out!

but i guess it wouldnt be too hard to deal with.
changing up diet and exercise, taking the prescribed meds... not too bad.
but i dont wanna have to deal with it, you know?

im 19. im supposed to be livin it up. not doing 1200 daily calorie diets, or worrying if ill ever be healthy enough to have children one day.
i suppose im making it out to be a bigger deal than it really is.
but at least im taking it seriously enough so that im motivated enough to change it, right?

ahaha im not letting myself be sad. i got that out of my system yesterday.

now im just like... ok, where do i go from here?

hopefully that surgery will improve things and everything will go back to normal...
well, it wont ever be normal again if i have surgery, but ill look and feel like a regular human being.

i wish december would come already.
im ready to be skinny and happy and take on the challenge.

haha well, at least i have answers now. i always thought that... well, idk.
i dont wanna go into it, honestly hahaha.

but, if you are reading this and youre a woman, take care of your body.
try to get at a healthy weight and exercise.
if you think there's something wrong with you, there probably is, so get yourself checked.
there are so many things you dont know about your own body.
lastly, dont take anything for granted.
appreciate everything you have, even if it's a disease and it sucks, or if you are in a bad situation.
ANYTHING can be worse than it is.

idk.
that's what i learned.

and this is probably the only time ill ever talk about this.

hardy har har!

2009-09-16T21:41:00.000-07:00

Today, a teacher, who is British, interrupted our class. He wanted his two students to retake their tests in the back of our class. He referred to them as his "Two Testees", and strictly demanded that his testees be separated. I don't remember laughing that hard, ever. MLIA.

In Marching band we spell out the word LOVE for the song "Love Shack" for one of the sets. Our Drum Major yelled, "Okay we're going to make love but you only have 32 counts to do it so it'll be quick." And our Band Director said "Story of your life." MLIA

Today in Latin class I found out that the Latin word for "spy" is "exploradora". I am now very suspicious of Dora the Explorer. MLIA

Today, I was in the music section at Barnes and Noble when I noticed their "Soul" section was empty. This amused me, so I turned to a nearby employee and said "It appears you have no soul." Without missing a beat, he replied "Working for a big corporation for years will do that to you." Made my day. MLIA

Today, while driving to work I passed a Catholic Church who's sign read "Happy Rosh Hashanah to our Jewish Neighbors." Next to the the church is a synagogue who's sign read "Thank You!" Its nice to know that they get along despite thier differences. MLIA

Today, while taking the city bus home from college, I saw a man with one arm. He was wearing a long sleeved shirt and had the empty sleeve tucked into the front of his pants, making it look like he was touching himself in public. For half an hour, whenever a new person got on the bus, they would glance at him and give him a disgusted look, and he would laugh. I gave him a thumbs up when I got off the bus. MLIA.

Today, I had to take a test in my AP Biology class. The second to last test question was "Make a barnyard animal noise. You have 10 seconds to comply." I looked up, confused, and saw my teacher staring intently at me. He mouthed the word "Go" and tapped his watch. I mooed. The rest of the testing period was completely silent, except for the occasional clucking, neighing, and mooing. MLIA.

:]]

btw talk like a pirate day is on saturday! you gonna parrrrrticipate, matey? ;-)

wish list #2?

2009-08-25T23:15:00.000-07:00

new albums from

1. imogen heap

2. the used

3. skillet

4. to get more $ in the bank. im tired of being poor.

5. have my room magically clean and organize itself

6. a new phone. im bored of mine hahahhaah.

more self discipline to actually start

7. writing in a journal consistently

8. losing more weight

9. keeping things clean

10. practicing music

11. band members :[

12. clothes

13. a nice piece of jewelry from my boyfriend. i feel bad writing this but it's true haha.

14. my body to be functioning as it should

15. my peacock tattoo

16. an apartment

17. a nice camera

18. to get my computer fixed :[[[

19. sleep. this can be accomplished haha.

time for bed now. bye! <3

we finally have a song with vocals

2009-08-16T01:07:00.000-07:00

take a listen:

this is like a rough draft, but it's good enough for advertising :]
obviously, i have to spruce up the singing and clean it up a little.

please help us and leave some feedback?
it would be greatly appreciated :]

thanks!

this is hard

2009-08-11T15:07:00.001-07:00

im wondering...

if it's gonna be like this for me from now on, is it worth it?
should i talk about it with him?
should i end it?
i dont want to, but i dont know if i can handle this up and down nonsense anymore.

it looks like the pain is gonna start again.
idk if i can take this anymore.

growing up is hard to do

2009-08-11T14:19:00.000-07:00

im so eager to just grow up and live on my own, but i know that it's not a good move right now. im young, i dont have enough money, im still in school, it's a waste of money right now, la la la. but still, i cant help but want to. i seem to fight with myself about it. i think, oh, im not that young. i have friends that have moved out already, i can handle the responsibilities. i honestly believe that. but sure, then comes the money argument, and i cave in to myself. it sucks. but sometimes i wonder how i would fare. [is that the right word?]

im just so READY, emotionally. it's a bummer.

but then sometimes i think of my parents, and how they annoy me yet make things easier for me and how much i love them. then i feel guilty. my mom would, of course, throw in some melodramatic statements that accuse me of not loving her if i ever brought it up, which would make me feel doubly guilty yet pissed off since all she can do is play the "pity me" card.

but when i think of what my life will be like once i move out, it seems worth it, the struggle and the guilt. i'd have so much freedom. no more nagging, no more obligations to anyone other than myself or whoever im with. but then again, what would i do with all that freedom? im not a party animal. i dont stay out late in the street. i go to bed late, but i can do that at home. sure i'd cook whatever i wanted and go wherever i pleased, but would i still be able to do that with little money?

and if i moved out with the boy, it would make things a lot nicer.
but still.

i dont know...

and it doesnt help that i have so many career choices in mind that i cant choose.
[and im going into year 2 of college. yikes!]

careers i have in mind:

1. surgeon: neurosurgeon, or one specializing in pediatrics
2. obstetrician: each day im leaning more towards this than neurosurgeon, which i had planned on
3. RN: nice, flexible hours
4. makeup artist: this would just be FUN!
5. voice actor [think voice-overs for cartoons and such]
6. translator
7. a tour guide would be awesome, but there's no future in that

and this would be if music doesnt work out, cuz i want that the most...
to be a singer in a successful band... ahh, that's such a dream.

but right now it's not looking so great.
i wish those two guys would come back and play for the band instead of kicking me out [which basically was like them walking away from the band cuz my boy is still on guitar. it's complicated.] since we already have a drummer.
idk.

my boy's old band was filled with drama queens. every one of them was one. i swear they just looked to cause problems. so, of course, he was kicked out. it's kinda funny. the one that actually had a solution was booted out. ultimately, this caused the band to fall apart. kinda sad, really.
idk why, theyre all older. you would think that it would mean that theyre more mature, but sadly, my boy was the most mature one there [and, i should add, the smartest]. i guess having a lower IQ doesnt do much for maturity, even if you are older. im not biased here, either. they all are on the bit of the dim side, which you could see clearly from their histories with school and the choices theyve made in their lives.

it's just sad that boy had to get caught up with those ppl.
i knew that they werent great ppl from the get-go. i never wanted to be around them much. i did a few times, and i learned all i needed to know from them. theyre good ppl, just not too smart and not too mature. i didnt click with them at all, but they have good hearts, i give them that much.

idk. this blog kinda drifted off into nowhere...
maybe i should end it haha.

til next time. <3

excited!

2009-08-04T00:58:00.000-07:00

SD with my boy on thursdayyyy :]

we're only staying until friday night but whatever.
the zoo, the beach, maybe seaworld? maybe?
i dont know.

all i know is that im REALLY looking forward to it :]

it would be so much nicer

2009-07-31T13:48:00.001-07:00

if i had just a bit more money.

not working during the summer is nice, but sucks.
im always broke :[

plus i start school in about 17 days.
sooo not stoked about that.

what shall i do in the meantime?
hmmm... ;-)

spot on!

2009-07-31T13:46:00.000-07:00

I completed the quiz "Which Disney Princess/Heroine are you most like?" with the result Aurora.

You are most like Aurora! You are a gentle person whos heart is overflowing with love. You are pretty shy around new people, but once they get to know you they find the most caring friend they could ever imagine. Nobody can complain about you, your just too sweet and kind. You care about your friends, family and even strangers so much that it is sometimes hard to keep your emotions in check. Your very idealistic and always have a dream, but sometimes can get too caught up in a perfect world. Be careful not to become too sensative or to have too high of expectations or the world around you might bring you down.

about me

2009-07-31T11:19:00.000-07:00

taken from the owl diary [thanks, krissy!]
visit her blog, it's a treasure.

What thing, concept, philosophy, or idea do you wish someone had told you when you were younger?
Don't be miserable over lost causes. Love will find you.

Who/What has been your biggest influence?
I don't really have any... But I guess my old friends, good and bad, have shaped me.

When I was a kid, I wanted to grow up to be… a singer or an artist.

What silly thing are you scared of? Serious thing?
Swimming in dark pools. I'm afraid that there will be something in there that will try to get me.
Dying of a stroke/heart attack.

What's the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning?
Look at the time, maybe go back to sleep.
If I have to get up, then open my drapes.

My true passion is… singing, creating, and loving.

What is your secret guilty pleasure?
The Secret Life of the American Teenager.

Music today is…
I haven't listened to music today.
But in general, rock now is better than it was in the 80s.
Pop has gone downhill after Disney started hijacking it.
Haha I'll stick with my few obscure bands.

Fill in the blank: Flaws are… what make us different from others.

LA or NY?
I have never been to NY. I wouldn't know.

Mary Kate or Ashley?
Ashley. No illness and she's fashion savvy.

What is your favorite quote/motto/mantra?
“Dance as though no one is watching
Love as though you've never been hurt
Sing as though no one can hear you
Live as though heaven is on earth.”
-Souza

The most life-changing book I have ever read was… Twilight? In a bad way, kind of. It gave me standards of what guys should be like and it's hard to get rid of them. :[

My secret or hate-to-admit-it crush is… Adrien Brody. He is old but he is fine!

My three favorite, can't live without them pieces of clothing or accessories are:
1. Black cardigan
2. Z. Cavaricci skinny jeans
3. Dangling earrings

My personal hero/idol is… I try to be my own. I don't really look up to anyone.

After my last relationship I felt…
This doesn't apply to me. I'm still in my first relationship.

The best new fashion trend is…
Skinny jeans, long sleeveless vests over tank tops, and layered sparkly chain necklaces.

My top three favorite bands/groups/singers are…
I have so many.

1. Three Days Grace
2. Imogen Heap
3. Scary Kids Scaring Kids

If I could suddenly inherit anyone's closet, I would choose… Idk. If they're skinny, the clothes probably wouldn't fit :[

My go-to karaoke song is… Whatever I feel like singing to.

It really pisses me off when… People don't treat you fairly.

I am never happier… Than when I get to sing. Particularly when driving fast along the beach with my windows rolled down and my music turned up loud.

How tall are you? 5'4"

How many languages do you speak? Which?
2: English and Spanish (not fluently, but well enough)
I know bits and pieces of French too.

The human ego is… like Krissy said, destructive.

When I get dressed, I'm usually thinking… I need to lose weight.

Where were you born?
Southern CA

What's the worst fashion crime one could possibly commit?
Wearing clothes so sheer that you see undies or bras. Eek!

My favorite website is… FMyLife.com

My favourite store to shop at is… torrid. It's the only place.

Three foods I'll never get sick of… any kind of nachos, Thai noodles, sandwiches.

Love is… all we need to be happy.

Post kick out lyrics

2009-07-28T22:30:00.001-07:00

I'm sad to say it, but I'm over you
Nothing has ever hurt more
This just isn't working, it never has
I'm sorry but I have to do it anyway

Say those words again and again
Say them in your head
Let me say them to you
And let's see how much you'll like me then

So I'll build you up to break you down
I'll claim my love to tear you to pieces
I know what this will do to you
There is just no other way

Say those words again and again
Say them in your head
Let me say them to you
Let's see how much you'll like me then

Tell me one thing,
Tell me this one thing
If we get the love that we think we deserve
Then why don't I remember wanting to hurt?

I'll say those words again
Let's see how much you'll like me then

last night was the worst.

2009-07-28T12:26:00.000-07:00

i feel like complete shit.
last thursday i tried out for a band... my boyfriend's band.
i was all ready to not get in after my audition -- i prepared myself accordingly.
but, lo and behold, they liked me! after all that prepping for failure, i allowed myself to be happy.

it really isnt fair.
last night they kicked me out, saying that my voice clashed with the style.
besides the fact that i dont agree, im just upset that i didnt get a chance to save my spot.
they spoke about this behind my back through texts :[

i just wish i had a shot, you know?
like, i was finally happy because of music, and they had to take it away.
it's so unfair.

in their last band they gave the crappiest people second chances, warnings even.
i get none of that.
im not mean, and i worked hard.
we made a wonderful song.
i didnt even get a chance to put my vocals out there for other feedback.
they just believed what 1 of the bassist's friends say...

it's not fair :[

im sorry im whining but really, i just feel heartbroken.
this is the thing i wanted most, i wanted it so bad.

i wish they had given me a shot at it :[

YAY!

2009-07-15T14:34:00.000-07:00

my boy comes home today! im so happy!
i wont get to see him until tomorrow because he is going to be home around midnight but at least we'll be in the same time zone again!

aaaaaahhhh haha!
im so excited, it's ridiculous.

:]]

london time

2009-07-08T23:06:00.001-07:00

okay so im in the process of redoing my room and i happened to have ordered a quilt online...
from a website based in the UK.
im in CA. this was not a smooth move on my part.
wellllll as it turns out, the damn thing is out of stock and theyre getting it in like 4/5 weeks from now.
ugh i hate waiting that long, but i hate the fact that they already took the $200 out of my bank account :[
and i have no idea if theyre going to rip me off or not.
im supposed to call them but the time difference is awful.
they're like 8 hours ahead. i think?
it's 11ish PM over here which makes it 7ish AM over there.
right? is that 8 hours? i cant count right now.
so i either have to wait until 1 AM to call which isnt gonna happen tonight, or i have to get up super early to call them during their business hours.
allllll to make sure im not getting ripped off, to see when the damn quilt is coming in and how much shipping is going to be.
a fnckin quilt!

UGHH.

no more ordering from the UK. that's my new motto :[

names

2009-07-07T13:15:00.000-07:00

i couldnt fall asleep for the life of me last night.
i was up until about 530 would be a safe guess. :[
in order to fall asleep, i began thinking of random things that dont make much sense at all.
for example, baby names haha.
i absolutely love exotic and unusual names, but since i couldnt think of any last night, i chose to go with family names and try to make them pretty.
since i dont plan on having children soon, maybe i should just get a bunch of canaries and give them formal names haha :]

This is how they turned out:
Girl: Clara-Jean Belle
Boy: Zakky/Zak(k)ary Arthur

And then other names I like (i like some better than ^):

Girl: Aine (Anya/Anja), Celeste, Marina, Elizabeth, Rose, Alana, Ingrid, Melody, Delphine, Keely, Amaranth, Amarantine, Aveline, Aurora, Sunniva, Freya, Avalon (Avylon/Avylanna), Leah (Lya, Liah, Lia, Leigha), Leana, Kryssa, Keira, Skyla, Chyla, Gwenavire, Sapphire, Isla, Ivy, Kanga, Starleigh, Summer, Scarlette, Kahla

Boy: Derek, Chance, Alexander, Cedric, Constantine, Kegan, Pagan, Rylie, Rusty, Avalon, Skylar, Skye, Felix, Brody, Tristan, Bay, Ever, Erling, Fairleigh, Raleigh, Jack(?)

Yeah. I was bored haha.

and i just noticed that i go in and out with proper capitalization and apostrophes and stuff.
weird.

one day down

2009-07-05T01:20:00.000-07:00

i miss him.

p.s. new music to reflect the mood.

my heart goes to michigan.

2009-07-04T01:52:00.000-07:00

at 4 or 5 pm, my boyfriend is going to michigan with his family for 2 weeks.
for 2-3 years now we've been together for at least 3 or 4 times a week, if not more.
many times it's 5 or 6 times a week.
he's not going to have internet, and calling will probably be limited.
im so bad haha. look at me, he's not even gone yet and i miss him already.
it's only 2 weeks and im almost a mess about it.
pathetic? idk.
im always like that when he leaves for a week or more.
im going to have so much time on my hands. good in a way, but bad in the fact that too much time for me to do nothing increases the chances that im going to be a depressed lazy ass for the next two weeks, being on the verge of tears the whole time.

ughhhh.

well, that's why ive decided to redo my room while he's away.
im painting my room bright green and getting a beautiful velvet turquoise quilt for my bed.
itll be an amazing change from my dark orange sponge-painted walls and burgundy bedding.

i need a change.

pics to come soon?

perhaps :)

i didnt think it would hit me this hard

2009-06-26T00:02:00.000-07:00

but it did.
i grew up knowing his name, listening to his songs.
he's such a huge icon; i cant believe he's gone forever.
honestly, i didnt believe the reports when they first went up.
i hoped that they were false.

but they werent.

it all feels so surreal.
no matter what you did here, i hope you RIP Michael Jackson :[

jack dawsons dont exist.

2009-06-25T02:02:00.000-07:00

i just watched the titanic for the first time ever.
omfg i never cried so much during a movie before, and i cry a LOT during movies too haha.
i cried when they first kissed, when rose hopped off the lifeboat and onto the ship again, when jack let go of her hand underwater, when he made her promise to never let go, when he froze, and when rose died in the end.

yes, i think that's it hahahaha.

but that's my new favorite movie.

i just wished that kinda love was real :[

oh and p.s. dont watch that movie the same night that you have a fight with your boyfriend. it makes you want to break up with him and look for your own personal jack dawson. :[

privacy?

2009-06-21T15:53:00.000-07:00

sometimes i feel like i really dont have any anymore.
i suspect that my mother reads my journal whenever i leave it at home... so now i start taking it everywhere i go, since it's little enough to stick in my purse.
ill hear her mention things or reference topics that i had written about the previous day or from the latest entry. maybe it's just coincidence but it's happened often, so i think i may have to scratch that.
im on a whole bunch of networking sites: myspace, twitter, facebook, netlog, here, youtube, i have AIM... im a social networking site junkie. and now my family wants me to add their accounts on all of those as well. um thanks but no thanks, ya know? i tend to curse like a sailor, discuss subjects that may be inappropriate, and my taste in humor is somewhat vulgar as well. im not exactly keen on them being exposed to that haha. all my friends are accustomed to it, or are like that. my family... eh, they wouldn't be impressed in the slightest.

in addition, my boyfriend is upset that i keep a journal. he argues that i should be able to tell him everything... and while that may be true, i believe that we all need a little bit of private personal space. i vent in my journal [mostly about him], i make crazy weird lists, i draw, i talk about longings and conflicts i have within myself. i have my own secrets. i think if i made everything like that public to people like my mom and my boyfriend... eh, someone's going to get hurt. but no, he doesnt necessarily get it. i pulled out my journal yesterday to do a quick sketch of a picture he had on his phone because im going to recreate it on a shoe [yeah, strange, i know] and all of a sudden he snatches it and starts reading it. he questioned what i wrote and i told him "hey, i never agreed to that. i dont owe you any explanations, dude."

none of us mean what we say when we're angry. when i vent, i can be mean. so rather than tell it to my bf's face, i write about it [so i can fall asleep and not be kept up by my thoughts as well]. most of the time i look back on the entries and either shudder in embarrassment, cringe due to the harshness, or realize, hey, i need to do something about this reoccuring issue.

i dont know. am i wrong in thinking this? SHOULD i be more open about stuff like that, even if i know that he's going to react negatively to something?

sometimes, for other people, ignorance is bliss. or would it be considered lying for omission is the same as a lie?

hmmm.

CA sucks

2009-06-11T14:38:00.001-07:00

i just got a letter in the mail regarding my cal grant money [money that is given freely to college students of certain financial status].

well, i read it and saw that i got awarded $1, 551 and i got alllll excited.
next to it, they printed "withdrawn." WTF? withdrawn?

uh, yea. "Due to state budget cuts, amounts are subject to change and may be withdrawn."

fnck CA man.

they sent me a letter saying that they gave me money then took it away.

sheesh. why even tell me at this point? haaaaa.

sometimes i wonder

2009-06-09T14:24:00.000-07:00

if we were meant to be together.
i have dreams all the time where im with a guy and like, call me w/e you want but you FEEL like you actually love that person in the dream. it's incredibly weird. but it's never him. sometimes it's some other guy i know and sometimes it's someone ive never seen before.

it's really creepy, it feels like i love that person more than who i really have.
i never tell him any of this.

so is my mind playing tricks on me?
am i subconsciously wishing that he was someone else?
or is it my brain's way of telling me, hey, wake up, look at what you could have!

i think im looking into this too much.

my dreams are pretty fncked sometimes haha.

interesting

2009-06-01T18:39:00.001-07:00

i am ashamed of what the world's come to

2009-05-31T14:54:00.000-07:00

if you havent seen this story yet, here's a link:

http://news.aol.com/article/abortion-doctor-killed/505406?icid=main|main|dl1|link3|http%3A%2F%2Fnews.aol.com%2Farticle%2Fabortion-doctor-killed%2F505406

i just cant believe all the crazies that approve of this man's murder.
it's horrific.
think of how many women he's helped...
you cant just kill someone because you THINK it's wrong.
he was just doing his job, it was legal.
it just... it makes me sad to see what the world's come to.
i was reading the comments under this story and i saw things that read "he shouldve been stopped a long time ago" and "yes, the baby killer has been killed!" or something to that effect...

it's horrible.

if you don't agree with abortion, i'd assume youre against killing in general.
then why, oh why, would you condone the killing of this man?
wouldnt that make you hypocritical?

idk i was just wondering...

RIP Dr. George Tiller.

my heart goes out to his family.

B.I.D. list

2009-05-30T16:59:00.000-07:00

i decided to make a list of things i would like to do before i die. hence the B.I.D. list.

1. record an album
2. swim with dolphins
3. spend the night on the beach with the significant other
4. meet a celebrity
5. run a marathon/take on a biking challenge
6. change someone's life for the better
7. sing for a real audience

8. go to ireland
9. help out poor kids in africa/south america
10. learn to play the violin, flute, and guitar [decently]
11. learn to speak french, cambodian, flemish, italian, and german.
12. improve my spanish so that i can speak it fluently
13. hang out with friends and have an adventure that lasts until dawn of the next morning
14. enter a poker tournament and actually get in the money [unlikely!]
15. get a tattoo [soon? i need ideas!]
16. learn to ballroom dance.
17. find a southern person that doesnt like fried chicken. :] haha
18. go to butterfly gorge and see all the butterflies :]]]
19. go parachuting. or something like that. but the idea of skydiving scares me.
20. have a family and kids and all that ish.

i shall definitely add to this list!
i better get crackin tho ;-)

lame attempt

2009-05-28T20:48:00.000-07:00

where have you gone?
it's not the same without you here.
lost and alone doesnt cover it,
i feel like im on the wrong side.

because when you left i lost everything i had
and yet it's all right here
when you went and gone i wept
but im still lost and im bone dry

the days just keep on passing
the pity rains down on me in storms
they tell me to keep on living, be strong
but i feel like im on the wrong side

because when you left i lost everything i had
and yet it's all right here
when you went and gone i wept
but im still lost and im bone dry

this is not a love song
im not waiting for your return
it's a sad lament for what ive become
it's a bridge that i can't burn

because you left me [you left me]
you broke me [you broke me]
but i cant blame you for it all
because i know [i know]
im still clinging [still clinging]
to each and everything

because when you left i lost everything i had
and yet it's all right here
when you went and gone i wept
but im still lost and im bone dry

this sounds like every other song out there haha.
but that's my lame attempt at lyrics for this evening.

good enough.

2009-05-28T20:26:00.000-07:00

i may have an unusual taste in music, so excuse me while i indulge myself here.
i was on youtube just now and i came across evanescence videos. since i have both their CDs, i decided to take a look at the "good enough" video. it was beautiful.

ive never been fond of the song, but after reading the lyrics and watching the video im in love with it. i am so lame haha.

whatever.

i think it's beautiful...
maybe because i can relate.

"Good Enough"

Under your spell again.
I can't say no to you.
Crave my heart and it's bleeding in your hand.
I can't say no to you.

Shouldn't let you torture me so sweetly.
Now I can't let go of this dream.
I can't breathe but I feel...

Good enough,
I feel good enough for you.

Drink up sweet decadence.
I can't say no to you,
And I've completely lost myself, and I don't mind.
I can't say no to you.

Shouldn't let you conquer me completely.
Now I can't let go of this dream.
Can't believe that I feel...

Good enough,
I feel good enough.
It's been such a long time coming, but I feel good.

And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall.
Pour real life down on me.
'Cause I can't hold on to anything this good enough.
Am I good enough for you to love me too?

So take care what you ask of me,
'cause I can't say no.

i love you but i hate you.

2009-05-26T19:25:00.000-07:00

sometimes i really hate my father.

since when has it been ok to abuse helpless animals just because youre upset with your pathetic life?

since when has it been ok to give away half of your night's earnings to an employee who merely delivers food to your tables when you cant even pay your own bills and when that employee is getting paid by the fncking company as well? he's making more than you while only doing half the work youre doing.

meanwhile at home, youre making your wife work YOUR SECOND JOB because youre too tired/lazy/inconsiderate to do it yourself. you lie in bed while she runs around doing her job as a supervisor and, on top of that, your assignments as a merchandiser.
and it's not like she gets to keep the money either.

since when has it been justifiable to blame everyone in your family for everything that goes wrong in your life without first looking at what youve been doing?

you sit and whine about your illnesses and claim youre too sick to work.
meanwhile, the bills are adding up.

why did you act like a charming gentleman when your wife's sister and brother-in-law were here, claiming that yes, we will all go visit you soon in belgium, and then when they were safely back on the plane, say to your wife that you would never allow her to go to see her family?

you're an ugly person sometimes.
sometimes im ashamed of you.
i love you for all that youve done for me, for how hard youve worked for me,
but i hate you for all the wrong youve done when you know better and preach differently.

im so upset right now.
i want to go in a freaking china shop with a baseball bat and demolish some sh!t.

whatever.
it's dinner time.

i have the hardest time coming up with titles

2009-05-22T00:18:00.000-07:00

hello summertime!
finished my last final of the semester today at 930 AM.
i am freeeeeee! :]]

haha, im sorry, but i am SO ready for summer, even if i hate the heat.
perhaps im not truly a cali girl, but that's ok.
i love everything about this state except for 3 things:

a) the heat. i detest hot weather.
b) people do not seem to care enough to conserve water even though we're in a fncking drought.
c) prop 8 got passed

as you can see, im pretty passionate about those things ahah.
i hope im not getting judged or offending anyone by letter c.
it's a highly controversial topic, so i understand.
but it does piss me off that it got passed.
whatever happened to equality, ya know?
alright i guess ill shutup about it before this blog turns into a full-fledged rant. im not here to shove my beliefs down your throat and that's what ill end up doing if i go into that topic aha.
idk if im liberal as they come, but im definitely on that side of the spectrum, so im sorry if i offend anyone.

but yeahhhhhhh.

im listening to tyrone wells online right now.
his music is great! my favorite is "sink or swim."
i found him through my sister. if you like rock/pop/mainstream sound, then check him out!

i was going to say something but i really dont remember what it was now... damn.

oh yes now i know.

while im on the subject of music, im looking for a vocal coach to make my voice stronger.
if there are any singers out there that know of any helpful tips or vocal instructors, drop a word in the comments. i'd really appreciate it :]

i dont know.
im trying to go for a paramore/evanescence type of sound.
i sound more like evanescence right now but i wanna fuse them together somehow, so im trying to figure out how to do that.

this was not what i was planning to say on here.
im just rambling now.
sorry >.<

song.

2009-05-20T00:42:00.000-07:00

i feel it coming up from deep inside me
like my insides are crawling out from within me
the dark, dank ghost of what i had buried
is the tears on my face that ignites the fury as the

black, black night descends around me as
cold, cold seas toss and knock me while it
ring, ring, rings inside my head, and i don't feel a thing
i don't feel a thing.

it's always like this when it's over
the shades come up but it's dark and forlorn
and it never rains in the desert but this time
youre a flood and im drowning and in my mind i see that

black, black night descends around me as
cold, cold seas toss and knock me while it
ring, ring, rings inside my head, and i don't feel a thing
i don't feel a thing.

you cant step on something you made to be the smallest thing
and you cant wash down the hurt, forever numb the feeling
so as you try, try, try
the pieces die, die, die,
die, die
die, die
and you'll find out
you'll find out,
oh you just watch and you'll find out that

black, black night descends around you as
cold, cold seas toss and knock you while it
ring, ring, rings inside your head, and you won't feel a thing
you won't feel a thing.

jumbled.

2009-05-20T00:35:00.000-07:00

there are a whole lot of thoughts going around in my head right now.

1. im scared of the earthquakes. we had another mini one today. i couldnt feel it, but knowing that it happened freaks me out.
2. i dont want to go to the dentist tomorrow.
3. why the hell did i volunteer to work next thursday?
4. i want to make lyrics but i lost all inspiration after talking to my bf on the phone earlier.
5. im getting tired now.
6. i like blogging but sometimes i feel silly -- like im talking to myself.
7. hm that's it.

yeah...

have a happy wednesday all. im off to bed again.

love

2009-05-19T03:22:00.001-07:00

♥

*sigh*

i am sad. i want a guy...

2009-05-19T02:57:00.001-07:00

sometimes i dont know what possesses him to say the things he says.

i was busy writing my paper for english tonight and all of a sudden, he is mad at the world and he hates living and he says he wants to die. don't worry -- he's not depressed or bipolar or anything. at least, not according to any clinical definition. he says that he wont take his life or anything but he wishes that something out of nowhere will end him. he used getting run over by a truck as an example.

this scares me.

it's happened before, and it has gone away but i always hate it. somehow, it always feels like some sort of personal attack on my part. im his girlfriend. im supposed to make all of these feelings go away right? this means im not doing my job :[ and, according to him, even i hold no appeal. i am no reason for him to live either. now, i know this is a bit melodramatic but jeez, it still hurts the heart. he is the reason that i do so many things i do. he makes me whole. and then to hear this from him is just like... wow. what do i mean to you? you know?

i know it's not about me, and that he's frustrated because of his music... yeah, i guess musicians get that way. and it's hard to listen to this too because so many times i get so envious and jealous of his songwriting talent that it drives me crazy. but, i still listen. and no matter how many times i try to assure him that he is amazing and talented, i know he doesnt believe me, and he says so. too bad he doesnt know that i mean it. even if he wasnt my boyfriend, i would still feel the same way about his music. he's that good.

it's just so hard sometimes.

sometimes i dont know if i really want to be with him. i mean, we talk to each other and about the future like we are going to be together for the rest of our lives, but sometimes i really dont know. he is and isnt my prince charming. im in love with him and i do love him, but when i compare him to what my prince charming would be, he is incredibly lacking. i guess it's my fault then. shouldnt i be happy with what i have? i dont know... i want a guy who is going to sweep me off my feet, a guy that wants to see me because he loves me and is not afraid or hesitant to show and tell the whole world... a guy that will hold my hand, kiss me in front of strangers, and hold me close always. a guy that goes out of his way to be romantic, that would sacrifice anything for me. a guy that listens to my ideas and doesnt put them down. a guy that needs only me to be happy. a guy that respects my interests and opinions and doesnt call them dumb, stupid, or tell me that i dont know what im talking about.

this makes me sound selfish and b!tchy doesnt it? haaaa.

im sorry.

idk... i really do love my boyfriend with all my heart. normally im happy with him.

but sometimes i can only see what i dont have. :[

im going to be running on about 5 hours of sleep now but since i cant talk to him, i guess im on here to spew my thoughts.

i feel so alone right now. isnt it weird? i have him. sometimes i do call him my prince charming. but sometimes i can be sitting right next to him and still feel lost and alone.

perhaps tomorrow will be better.

only in socal

2009-05-18T00:01:00.000-07:00

will people love earthquakes, consider them fun, and be stoked about having one.

i feel like im the only one down here that gets terrified right after one.

:-/

something pretty

2009-05-12T23:27:00.000-07:00

to balance out the negativity in my blogs for today.

random ramblings

2009-05-12T23:11:00.001-07:00

sometimes i really resent myself.

all too often i look back on the past wishing i had done such and such differently and regretting that i had slacked off, or that i stopped caring. im in college now and i cant help but look back and realize that if i had only tried a tad harder or worked instead of coasting through my last year of high school that things wouldve been a lot different. maybe i wouldve gotten more scholarships and gone to a great school.

and now i look back on what ive done these past 2 semesters and im kicking my own @ss for it. i slacked off. i never tried. granted, i got As and Bs but until now i never realized how important it was for me to keep the highest GPA possible... i want to be a surgeon for god's sake. i should be dedicated haha. i always take shortcuts though :-( [i can imagine future patients writing my name down for future reference: dont go to this doctor! haha]

but really. i couldve easily gotten all As, but i never cracked open a freaking textbook.
*sigh*

regret leaves a bitter taste in your mouth.
i guess that's why you should always listen to your mothers [or fathers].
try hard, even when u dont want to. always do ur best.
i didnt. im paying for it now! :[

-------------------------------------------------

at any rate, i went to the gym today and it felt good.
my day sucked overall, but somehow it didnt matter as much.
woot woot for the release of endorphins! haha.

-------------------------------------------------

my mom was sick today too. shes the type of person that you rarely find sitting down for more than ten minutes at a time. shes always rushing around doing something. shes usually in and out of the house, running around here and there. but today she laid in the couch for the whole afternoon and just slept and i was the one taking care of her.

it feels really strange when the roles are reversed.
my dad has been sick before. that's not strange for me.
however, my mom is like my superman. when she is sick, you know it's BAD.
she's hardly ever sick... the last time she had more than a bit of the sniffles it was like more than 6 years ago.

today she came back from the doctor who told her that if she had waited for much longer, she wouldve died. granted, they dont know what she has but that piece of news is dramatic all the same.

jeez. it's like happy mothers day haha.
she'll be ok though.

it was just kind of a bizarre day.

oh and if youre not from the US and youre reading this, you probably have heard this all already: the US healthcare system sucks big time. i dont know how many problems my family has had but oh my goodness. lets trade insurances please?

im reading to kick my insurance representative in the face.

my bf & i

2009-05-12T23:06:00.000-07:00

have the best and worst luck when it comes to school... kinda haha.

i swear, my boyfriend must be half psychic or something. once in a while -- actually, no, let's rephrase that. almost every time we actually ditch class [as opposed to wishing we could while dragging our lazy asses to lecture] it ends up being canceled. so while we're feeling free and rebellious, it always ends abruptly with the news that it was canceled and the realization that we got up early for nothing...

haha, ironic, isnt it?
i dont know if that's a good or a bad thing.
both, perhaps.

it's just our luck.

i want

2009-05-12T00:11:00.000-07:00

1. money to get a singing coach. i need to get better.
2. inspiration for a foot tattoo! :-/ im not creative at all.

i have such a shallow mind haha.

random quote for today:

2009-05-10T00:50:00.001-07:00

"im gonna use what god gave me before father time take it away!"

from a random youtube

IF WE'RE GONE TOMORROW plug

2009-05-09T15:12:00.000-07:00

for anyone who happens to read this, i hate to be annoying, but i have to do a bit of advertising right here:

please check out my boyfriend's band IF WE'RE GONE TOMORROW

SHOW DETAILS!

WHERE: if you live in southern california, they will be having their first show @ chain reaction in anaheim on saturday may 16th.

TICKETS: $10 each, however, since the show is coming closer and they still have 70 tickets to sell, the band is willing to give them to you for $5 each instead (that's a steal! i have to pay $10 haha and im his girlfriend!).

they need to sell these tickets in order to play at their show.
if not, it'll come from their pocketbooks.
please help them out!

**MUST CONTACT BAND/ME FOR TICKETS!

HELP THEM OUT:

if you dont live in california, please help them out by just getting their name out there!

post it on your blog, myspace, facebook, twitter, or web page!

the more advertising they get, the more fans and popularity... it cant hurt.

even if you dont like them, just get their name out there. say that they suck, or whatever! but name recognition is everything.

oh, and they ARE getting a new singer so if you arent fond of their sound now, dont worry, itll change.

CONTACT: they have accounts on myspace, facebook, and each member has a twitter.
you can also talk to them on AIM!

myspace: www.myspace.com/IFWEREGONETOMORROW

twitter accounts:
aaron (guitarist/keys/screams): http://twitter.com/AaronIWGT
alisha (guitarist): http://twitter.com/AlishaIWGT
foz (bassist): http://twitter.com/FozIWGT
joey (drummer/screams): http://twitter.com/JoeyIWGT

AIM SN: IWG2MRW

EMAIL: IWGT@rocketmail.com

look them up on facebook also!

please dont be shy, theyre great & outgoing people.

spread the word ♥

:]

2009-05-09T04:42:00.000-07:00

just ordered new clothes online.

check that one!

now off to wash up & sleep. officially.

4:43 AM... im up too late :[